This past week I was on an extended vacation, and because I'm without a Blackberry, my cantbefired posting ability was less than satisfactory. That has all changed. I am officially a member of the Blackberry community as of today, and I'm happy to say my life has changed. Access to email wherever I am. Instant Messaging service with my other Blackberry brethren. Internet at the touch of a button. How did I live before this incomparable machine entered my existence? I have no idea.

Because I'm new to this bizarre cult, I'm still unsure of the exact protocol that goes along with owning the Super Phone. Previously, I was annoyed whenever I was with a friend who spent more time sifting through email than having discussions with me about which celebrity I would spend $20,000 to have sexual relations with (the answer was usually Matt Damon). Am I going to be one of those guys now? In the business world, an executive using a Blackberry during a meeting comes across as being important, rather than rude. In the social world, someone checking stock quotes comes across as not caring about talking to the opposite sex, and seems more attractive because of it. I must say, I'm excited for this new toy. Seriously, I can look up porn while standing in line at the bank. How did no one tell me this was possible?

Then there is the bathroom. I've always just assumed that most people take their Blackberry's into the toilet with them, which seemed pretty disgusting to me. But if I'm parked on the can and am able do the New York Times Crossword at the same time, is that so wrong? I'll go with no.

I can't wait to call it a Crackberry, I can't wait to upgrade to the new Storm, and I can't wait to email people while I'm driving. The fact that I've gone this long without one of these amazing tools is beyond me, and I just hope that the rest of the world can get on board as well. Not having a Blackberry these days is like being a ninja and not possessing throwing stars. It's like being a pirate without an eyepatch. It's like being a hooker that doesn't take cash upfront. Basically, you're missing a crucial element of your current demographic, which makes you seem less credible.

I'm sure there are individuals out there who look down on the Blackberry population, and I used to be one of them. Now I see that I was only enraged in jealousy for these folks, and I apologize to the entire community. Of course, many people will still be jealous despite my post today, and I expect that.

Sent from my Blackberry Mobile Device

Get Outta Jail Free Card...

Someone sent me an email recently stating that they wanted to attend one of these festivals that occur in New York City every other week, but that it happened to be on a Tuesday when they had an important meeting. She was asking if I had any advice for getting out of work, mainly because she had recently taken off a few times recently faking a cold and felt her boss was on to her. The sad part is I read the email, chuckled at her reason for taking off, and closed my laptop. For some reason I forgot all about the email until this morning, when I realized that I deleted it sometime in the past three weeks. Whoops. Normally that's not my style, I love Mailbag, everyone knows that about me. But sometimes it's difficult to sift through the four emails I get every month.

Hopefully the young lady (I don't remember her name) figured out a way to take off work for the festival (I don't remember what festival it was, and now that it's on my mind, it may not have been a festival at all) without getting in trouble, but if she did it was on her own. What would I have told her, you ask? Well, let's see...

To call off work, there is always one move I use when I am desperate for a day off, but it can only really be used once per job. Calling on the morning of the day in question and faking sick is the tried and true method that has been used for years, but it has its flaws. You have to be a good enough actor to fake a sick voice, you have to answer any questions that your boss may have, and every manager has heard that bit two hundred times.

My method is simple and painless. All you need is a good friend, a phone, and the ability to lie your face off when you go back into work. Here's the situation...

The night before you would like to be free from work have one of your best friends call your managers work phone. This is important because we do not want your friend to actually talk to your boss, so the message needs to be sent via voicemail. Here's an example of what your friend needs to say.

"Hello, I'm hoping this is Steve's managers voicemail, this is his friend Brian. Steve asked me to call you because he is currently in the hospital. He had a shortness of breath and we had to take him in as a precaution. It turns out everything seems to be okay now, but the doctors want to keep him here overnight just to make sure. He says that he'll call you tomorrow when he wakes up to discuss some work stuff. Thanks for understanding."

The key here is to make sure you call in the morning to tell your boss your fine, but that they want to do some tests to see what is wrong. This way the whole office isn't freaking out (I'm not that cruel), and you don't want anyone actually going to the hospital to visit you (considering you won't be there). This call is simple because you don't have to fake sick, and you can get off the phone quickly if you need to.

The genius of this method is its simplicity, but also it's originality. No boss is going to question a call from a friend of an employee that is in the hospital, as the whole ordeal has probably caught them a bit off guard.

So you hang up the phone that morning and continue with whatever cool thing your doing on your new day off. Then you get into work early the next day so you don't have to deal with a huge entrance, as news may have spread to other coworkers about your fake illness. The problem is you're going to have to answer random questions from the curious employees, and if you're not ready with a quick answer, it may look suspicious. Here are a few examples of questions you might hear...

"What hospital did you stay in?"

"What did the doctors say?"

"How come you look hungover this morning?"

"What kind of tests did they do?"

"Where is your cool hospital bracelet?"

"Was your nurse a hottie?"

"Was your doctor a hottie?"

"Did you get any good pain killers?"

"Is it lame if I buy a Segway?"

Honestly, any and every question will be asked. And not because they suspect foul play, but because people feel as though if they don't ask questions and act concerned it makes them seem like they don't care, especially when it comes to health issues.

Give it a shot and let me know how it goes, I assure you if it's pulled off correctly it has a zero percent fail rate. If not, blame it on your friend who left the message. Freakin' Brian.

Old Man Winter Screws Me Again...

The winter months can bring a few positives and negatives that we've come to accept and deal with. Obviously the positives are the insane amount of days off from holidays, the fact that all single women are on the prowl for a new man to keep them warm, and how it's now socially acceptable to drink scotch constantly. Then there are the negatives. Such as the unbearable cold weather, the fact that all single women end up finding a man the first weekend in November and then don't leave their house until April, and how people judge me for wearing flip flops when it's only 12 degrees.

Anyway, I have a new pet peeve that occurs during this time of year, and it has to do with our office coat closet. Because of my blatant disregard for everything that is my company, I usually show up to work about a half hour later than most of these peasants, which has had no drawbacks since March. Then I came into work today and remembered why I hate this place; the freaking coat closet. There are approximately 18 employees in our office and the coat closet has room for about 17 coats. Normally this wouldn't be a problem if my cubicle had a hanger or a coat rack or an assistant, but alas, I'm not that lucky. So I end up having to hang my coat on the floor underneath my desk, and for some reason I actually own some decent coats.

This morning I wore my brand new winter coat to work, and when I discovered that the coat closet was packed full I almost lost it. Granted, I could have came into work on time, but that didn't occur to me. Instead I've been wearing my coat all morning in blatant disregard for the lack of hanging space in this terrible office. It's like 90 degrees in here and I'm in a tweed pea coat that has me on the brink of heat exhaustion, but I'm not backing down. So far three people have questioned my motives and my response has been the same each time...

"Why don't you tell H.R. to build a new goddamn coat closet!"

I don't care if it's not H.R.'s fault, but it's really easy to blame them for most of the trouble in the world. For instance, I'm currently blaming H.R. for the fact this season of 'Entourage' has been downright unwatchable. I just want to live my life vicariously through Vince's, and that's hard to do when I'm currently making more money than him. Whatever, I watch 'Dexter' now instead so it doesn't matter. I also blame H.R. for the fact that two of the buttons on my shirt are missing today. Freaking H.R.

Anyway, Ghandi didn't eat once during his fast for freedom against the British, so I'm not going to take this coat off today. I don't care how close I come to passing out during our weekly cost analysis meeting, I'm not backing down. It's about time someone made a stand in this town, and that time is now.

I shouldn't have brought hot soup for lunch. And the third cup of coffee was also a bad idea. I'm starting to hallucinate. But at least I'm wearing a damn fine coat.

Aren't Celebrities Losing Money Too?

I think we've hit an all-time new low in this country. There have been many signs recently that have led us to believe we're in a tailspin of disaster, some of which are obvious and some that are not. Among them the Dow Jones recession, gas prices, 'The Hills' still being on the air, the housing market, Tom Brady not playing in the NFL this year, and the ever-growing amount of douchebags that clutter our great land. Ok, maybe the DB's have always been here, but the rest of that stuff is perplexing. Anyway, it seems as though it's getting worse.

How could it be getting worse Peddler? Well it's not Mailbag day, but I'll answer your question anyway. It seems as though we are now hosting charity functions for the recently laid-off businessmen that work on Wall Street. That's right, the filthy rich 20-somethings who probably played a larger part in this recession than we realize right now have their own cause. Right now I'm sure you're asking, what type of charity are we talking about here? Seriously, Mailbag is tomorrow, stop asking so many questions.

A bar in Manhattan is hosting a gala of sorts that will invite any recently laid off Wall Street worker to network among desperate company executives that are in search of dilapidated talent. Technically, there are actual people that will be helped in this mess. Every one of these unemployed idiots has to pay $20 at the door that goes to the Ronald McDonald House, which is actually a great cause. But despite this fact, there is still a function occurring in NYC that is being held simply to find these rich assholes a new job. And my problem isn't necessarily with the fact that these individuals are looking for a new occupation, but that Bloomberg News decided it was front page material. Aren't there other groups in this world that might be more deserving of our country's front page news?

What about the farmers in this country who are losing hundreds a day due to the lack of government funding and consumer demand?

How about the small business owner who can't afford to pay his/her employees?

Where is the love for middle-class IT professional who has an expensive lifestyle to maintain, yet can't because he bought a new, shiny car right before the economic crunch and is now stuck with monthly payments he can barely afford?

What about the kids in high school who have to get a pager because their folks can't afford a cellphone payment?

How about the small restaurant owners who have to stop serving Foie Gras on their menu, and substitute that item with local squirrels they catch in an alley?

As you can see, there are so many other important causes out there to support besides wasting time reporting on how bad the yuppie schmucks on Wall Street have it. I'm not a cynic mind you, I hope these guys and gals get their job back soon and start helping our economy blossom. I just hoped they wouldn't have to resort to being such jackasses about it. Also, give me my mutual fund money back, you pricks.

And by the way, in case you were wondering, the function is called a 'Pink Slip Party'. You can't make that kinda shit up.

Please, Silence Your Phones...

I've come to one of two conclusions recently. Either a) some phones don't have a vibrate mode, or b) some people don't know that their phone has a vibrate mode. There can't be another explanation, there really can't. How do people not know that having their phone on any audible ringer is the most annoying sound next to single women bitching about how there are no single men out there. We're out there ladies, trust me.

Maybe people do know these damn ringer songs are annoying, but they just don't care about how much they disturb others. I can understand hearing a phone ringing in some public places such as a mall, the bank, or a Verizon store. But why in the world do you need to have your cellphone blasting "I'm Not a Player I Just Crush a Lot" at full blast while you're sitting at your desk in the office? There are people trying to look up soft-core porn in the cubicle next to you, have some respect. And who is calling your cellphone three hundred times during work hours anyway? These friends of yours don't have Gchat? Email? At least have them call your work phone so we can have a normal ring instead of hearing "It's Five O'clock Somewhere" every forty-five minutes.

The gentleman that sits in the cube next to me has this same issue I've been discussing. He purchased a ring tone of the Super Mario Brothers video game about nine months ago that I found amazingly hysterical back then. I would dance at my desk every time it came on while congratulating Eric on his phenomenal choice of an original, and joyous ring tone. Then a few weeks passed, and the song started to get on the annoying side. A few more weeks passed, and I threw away my old Nintendo games. A couple months went by, and I began hating Italian culture so much I stopped eating pasta. The main issue was that Eric's wife was seemingly unemployed and would spend much of the day calling him regarding the tedious errands she was running. I'm talking ten calls a day, minimum.

Finally I had to say something.

Me: Eric, we need to talk. I just can't deal with your ringer anymore. It's making my head spin, I just can't take it.
Eric: I thought you loved the Mario Brothers ringer?
Me: I did Eric. But that was back when I didn't think they were communist bastards sent here to infect my ears with their fascist ideals.
Eric: I guess I could just change it.
Me: I have an even better idea for you. Put the damn thing on VIBRATE!
Eric: But how would I hear it ring if I'm at Bob's cube down the hall?
Me: Here's the thing about cell phones that you might not understand Eric. Even if you don't hear it vibrate, when you return to the phone it will tell you there is a missed call from your wife. She might even leave a voicemail asking how many whip-its she should buy from Safeway. And by the way, when you're not here to answer your phone the song goes on for about 12 minutes straight. It's excruciating.
Eric: Well I'm just going to keep it how it is for now. Thanks though...

Eric has made a giant mistake. This aggression will not stand, and soon he will meet his demise. I'm currently in production of some sort of revenge plan, which I will relate to you after it has come to fruition. Maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow, but soon. I have a new enemy, and I suggest you do the same at your offices. This audible ring tone fad needs to end.

At Least I Wasn't Dreaming About Scarlett Johannson...

What is it with coworkers and telling me stories of their personal lives, despite my obvious lack of interest? I sit there and pretend to listen to the tales of their children, their love life, and their lives in general with a blank stare and meaningless response, yet they continue to talk to me. Maybe I'm alone. Maybe everyone enjoys sharing stories of how they took their kids to see 'High School Musical 3' this weekend, or how they recently went to their ten year high school reunion and made out with their old homecoming date in the back of an Acura. But when I go to work I'd like to sit at my desk, surf the Internet, and watch the clock tick away. And it gets especially obnoxious when these tales are integrated into regular work situations.

Recently a coworker of mine decided to share her weekend saga of Go-Karting with her son and daughter during a conference call. At first I let out a frustrated groan that went unnoticed, but figured the discussion would end soon so I kept my mouth shut. Unfortunately this was not the case. Dorothy's story went on for ten minutes while the rest of us were stuck in a cramped conference room, forced to listen to this never ending saga. So, I did what I used to do during my days in high school and college: I stopped paying attention. It was amazing how easily I channeled my inner 'Physics 101" skill of daydreaming about what I would do if won the lottery, or how my first date with Marisa Tomei would pan out.

Apparently, I was a bit rusty. The daydreaming lasted a bit too long and I missed the first five minutes of the actual conference call, which was somewhat important to my job. To everyone else in the room I looked as if I was concentrating on the tasks at hand, but mentally I was walking Marisa Tomei back to her apartment after a wonderful meal accompanied by a fine Cabernet. Then I heard my name from one of our corporate affilates over the phone.

Mike: Steve, do you have either of those proposals with you now?

Whoa, was that my name? Why was Dorothy mentioning me and the proposals during a story of her family Go-Kart trip? Was I at the track with them? What did I do this weekend come to think of it? Why isn't Marisa asking me up to her place for coffee?

Me: Excuse me?
Mike: The proposals we're talking about, do you have those two?
Me: Which two? I brought about ten with me.
Mike: The two we've been talking about the past five minutes.
Boss: (whispering) Are you okay?

It took me a few seconds to realize that I may have been focusing my thoughts elsewhere for a few minutes too long, and I quickly attempted to correct the issue.

Me: I'm sorry Mike, I was busy reading through these notes and missed the two proposals you're speaking of. Do you mind repeating what companies they were?

Dead air. We called his name a few times and no response. When I looked up the other three individuals (including Dorothy, the race car driving mom) had their eyes set on me in dismay. Oh, so it's okay for you to rant on for five minutes about your day at Speedworld, but it's a crime if I picture myself in a jacuzzi with the Academy Award winner of 'My Cousin Vinny'?

This is an integral part of staying employed, saving yourself from termination. We go to work every day and eventually we're going to make a catastrophic mistake that could potentially be hazardous to our employment. The key is creating a solution. In this case, I simply went back to my desk, phoned Mike in our corporate office, and explained exactly what happened.

Me: Sorry about before Mike, but I had heard Dorothy's weekend story a few too many times and was looking over the paperwork for the actual meeting. I guess I was too invested into the proposals and missed the beginning of our discussion. I can assure you it won't happen again.

Rule 1 to getting out of trouble: blaming someone else. Make sure you are putting the blame fully on yourself at first, but mention someone else during your explanation in a way that makes them seem incompetent. It will make you seem that you are capable of taking blame, but that maybe it wasn't your fault after all.

It ended up working out in the end. Mike understood, and we finished the conference call with just the two of us. Come to think of it, I'm not even sure why Dorothy was there in the first place, she had nothing to contribute. But Marisa Tomei on the other hand...she had something to contribute.

MAILBAG!!!

We have a new president, the stock market is in severe crisis mode, and I had a birthday. These three news items make this the most important week in the history of the United States. But you already knew that...

Peddler,

Happy birthday! How old are you now?

Kelli, TX

Kelli,

I won't reveal my age, but I'll tell you it's somewhere between 27 and 39, but I'm not in my 30's and I'm not 29. That might narrow it down. If you want a way to really irk a woman in your office whom you don't like, ask her about her age when other people are around. I've never understood why people get so worked up about letting others know how old they are. Shouldn't you be proud that you've lived that long? I'm more willing to announce that I'm 28, than telling people in my early 20's. At least I'll be taken somewhat serious now.

Every year I make a huge deal about my birthday, but I try and keep that hype away from my office. I'll let it leak early in the morning that my big day is here, and hope that the word of mouth carries enough so I get a pat on the back from everyone. But I refuse to have a cake party or a happy hour with the work folk. First of all, on my birthday, I'm pretty sure I have other plans from 5-7pm. The fact that some work people don't makes me feel a bit sad. Secondly, I freaking hate cake.

Peddler,

I saw your post about quitting your job and I have to advise against it. I quit my job in February and still haven't found a new one. Don't do it.

Rick, VA

Thanks Rick,

I've heard this from a few people now, but my mind has been made up. I'd rather be broke, living on the streets, and eating out of a dumpster in six months than continuing to work with this company. It's over. If they offered me a 500% raise tomorrow, I'd still quit. I think that's the sign when you know your employment has run its course, and it's time to scram. If you're unhappy at your job, don't do it anymore. Despite what you hear there will always be other jobs out there, and one of them may be more suited to you than your current employer.

What I'm surprised about at this point is that I haven't been fired yet. Normally I do the smallest amount of work required to keep my employment intact, it's sort of my Credo. But lately I've dropped that from smallest amount of work to negative amount of work. I'm doing so little that other people are having to work harder to cover my tracks, which in turn decreases the productivity of our entire company. Do I feel bad about this? Not really. Sure I'm probably part of the problem when it comes to America and our workforce, but if you had to work for this organization you'd feel the same way. I think they might be communists.

I'm quitting, and it's settled. Although it might be hard to keep this site going when Comcast cancels my internet service due to lack of payment, and the REPO guys take away my laptop because I haven't been paying child support. I'm joking, I don't have a kid. That I know of.

Peddler,

It's 74 degrees in D.C. today and I have to get out of work early to get on my boat and cruise the Potomac. The problem is I've taken so many vacations recently. Any suggestions?

Jeffery, VA

Jeff,

It's quite easy to get out of work early. My two favorite ways are the fake sick and the house emergency.

Fake Sick -- We've all done this, and I've even discussed it on this site, but it's just too easy not to mention again. All you have to do is channel your inner Paul Newman and act your ass off. Fake sneezing, fake coughing, and a whole lot of sniffling. Also, when you know your going to stop by your bosses office, make a stop in the bathroom first. Douse a towel with water and apply a substantial amount to your forehead, neck, and hair. When you approach your boss you will have the appearance of sweat and nausea. If he asks you how you feel, be reasonable...

Boss: Hey Jeff, you feeling okay?
Jeff: Yea boss, just a bit off. I'll be fine, just got to get through the day.
Boss: Well let me know if you need anything.
Jeff: Cough, cough, sneeze, cough, sniffle 12X's
Boss: Seriously Jeff, if you need to go home I'd rather you sleep it off and come back strong Monday.
Jeff: I have too much work boss, gotta get back to my desk now.

Then, two hours later fake pass out on the floor of your office and make sure someone sees you do it. You'll be sent home without a doubt, but somehow have to convince your company that you're okay to drive home. That can be difficult, but I'm sure you'll think of something Jeff.

Home Emergency -- This one is my favorite. There are 200 things that can happen to your house which would require your immediate attention. I'm sure my boss is somehow confused as to how my house is still standing right now. In the past three years he assumes that my house has been flooded, was on fire, had a carbon monoxide leak, was attacked by killer rats, was turned into a brothel, flooded again, and then last week had a small plane land on it. The possibilities are endless and any excuse works. Just pick one and roll with it. As always, let George Costanza guide you with a quote. "As long as you believe it, then it's not a lie".

Good luck Jeff.

The Election Reminded Me of the NFL Draft...

My father always says…

“If you’re young and vote Republican, you have no heart. And if you’re old and vote Democrat, you have no brain”.

I’m not sure if he actually coined this phrase, but I’ll give him credit for it. And it turns out this is the exact reason why we have our new president, because of the young voters. It’s exciting to see a generation that has been called worthless deciding who the president is. Love this country.

Enough politico chatter, let’s get to how insane people are acting today.

My favorite of all the freakshows was the McCain supporter that was crying at her desk yesterday. She also attempted to explain to me how Sarah Palin will be the president in 2012, without a doubt. If that happens, I told her, I’ll be living in Canada.

There is also the young gentleman who comes into the office with chants of ‘GObama’ and a company-wide email inviting anyone and everyone to a PrObama (his words, not mine) happy hour after work. I’ve said this before, and I’ll say it again; please don’t speak politics or religion in the office, because no one cares about your beliefs.

The tough part about that rule is that the election is all anyone can talk about these days, and rightfully so. When we’re 80 years old we will look back on the things that happened in our lives, and November 4^th, 2008 will be one of those days. It’s pretty freaking awesome. Nevertheless, you still can’t talk about it. Some people take this election seriously and if your opinion differs with theirs, then shit is going to go down.

The thing I’m most excited about with the presidency is to see what happens to Bush after his term runs its course. Obviously he hates his job right now and can’t wait to leave, and it seems that he will disappear from the public eye once he leaves the White House. But a big part of me wants him to be everywhere. I want him to do commercials. I want him to act in movies. I want him to host his own late night talk show. Of all the talents the guy lacks, he is quite hysterical when he wants to be. Don’t get me wrong, I can’t wait till he’s out of power, but what if he’s a really talented guy that simply took the wrong job. I know we’ve all done the same. Shit, I’m doing it now with this job.

For the rest of this week if anyone in your office attempts to talk politics with you don’t let them. Stand your ground and explain to them that politics are a private matter and you won’t be bullied into giving an opinion. Then get a Visa ready in case you need to move to Canada in four years. Seriously, I hear Montreal is pretty badass.

Birthdays Suck...

Today is election day...Yipee!

I'm not going to post much because everyone is off work and there are more important things happening in the world outside of my work life, but I can assure you that there will be many posts dedicated to the bizzaro freakshow politico's that haunt my office in the next few days.

Sadly, yesterday was my birthday. Normally this would be a celebratory occasion but the fact of the matter is I spent my time witnessing the most overrated football team in the world (the Redskins) get manhandled for three hours. This wouldn't seem that bad if it weren't for the fact that 50,000 of the 90,000 fans at FedEx field were Steelers fans. I'm really beginning to despise the city I've lived in my whole life, because the women are too full of themselves and the sports fans don't give a shit. Also, yesterday I bumped into a guy on the way to the Metro that had just gotten out of jail for the past five years, and I generously handed him $20. I thought karma would hook me with a Redskin win, but alas, karma is a bitch.

Enjoy your voting process this morning. I can't wait for the wrath of the losing side the next few days, it's going to be amazing. If I were you, I'd keep my voting choice to myself for a few months because things are going to get a bit nutty....

MAILBAG!!!

Actually been somewhat busy at work this week, and I'm not sure I like it. Let's get to these emails so I can get back to watching my life pass before my eyes.

Peddler,

How do you feel about people wearing Halloween costumes to work?

Chris, NY

Chris,

Obviously, I think it's ridiculous. I used to work for a massive company that encouraged employees to wear whatever they wanted on this holiday. Personally, I never wore a costume because I didn't want to look like an idiot at my place of employment, and this actually got me ridiculed more. I would constantly hear 'Why no costume Steve?' and 'What, you're too good for Halloween?' and 'Are you dressed up like a douchebag?'.

This past Tuesday our office had a Halloween party, and although I love the holiday, I'm not looking forward to going out tonight. There were three women in our company that donned a Sarah Palin outfit, and there were two guys in Joker costumes. I have a feeling that these numbers will triple while I'm walking the streets of Georgetown this evening. For some reason I've always assumed that the main reason for Halloween was for women to wear scandalous outfits without being judged, but apparently it's also a great way to see who sucks at life. Please, I beg of you people, do not wear a Palin or Joker costume. If you're already invested into one of these ideas, then go to a costume shop and get a new one. You will regret your decision sooner rather than later.

You think I'm kidding, but half the people you see tonight will look like this idiot.

Peddler,

Why does the show 'The Office' suck now?

Everyone, USA

Everyone,

Let's be honest, the main reason the show has fallen on hard times is because Jim and Pam have gotten together. Before their courtship the show was reasonably funny, and now it sucks my balls. I'm sorry if that's not a reasonable thing to say but I don't care anymore, the show is a straight waste of my time. The sad thing is people actually still watch it despite the overall suckiness, and miss shows like 'It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia'. So ridiculous. The show used to be halfway decent, and now I'm assuming the writers are on drugs. Or maybe now they're off drugs. Please, I would love to laugh once. Just once.


Peddler,

My boss quit and I was offered her job, but I love the lack of responsibility of my current job, and don't want to risk having to actually do anything. Is there any way you would take this promotion?

Paul, MA

Paul,

I would never pass up a promotion, no matter what the new job was. The level of responsibility of any job is based on how much time and effort you put into it. If you decide to take this job, simply do nothing like you've been doing and you'll coast by as you always have. Plus, the thing you'll realize about your new found power is that you actually do less work, even though it will seem as though you have more on your plate. Do you ever notice how your bosses are constantly playing golf, or taking random vacation days for no reason? The higher up you get in any company, the less work you will actually have to do. It's the American way.

If I were you I would take the promotion, fire the dickwad you hate the most in your company, and make every Thursday 'Dress Like a Stripper' day. Then take Monday off and spend it counting up all the new found money you've made. Not taking a promotion? I'm guessing you're going as the Joker this weekend.

Firing in the News

Here we go again. America has once again proved that 90% of our citizens are either immoral, deviant, or just plain stupid. It turns out that Rick Beard from Illinois fits into all three of these categories, which of course led to the end of his employment. Let me give you the background on our good friend Rick.

-He's 61, and therefore should probably be somewhat mature.
-He works as head of the Abraham Lincoln Library and Museum, and therefore must be somewhat educated.
-He makes $250,000 a year, and therefore makes a pretty nice living, especially in Springfield, Illinois.
-He's been arrested twice for petty theft in a nearby shopping mall.

Wait, what? Yes, apparently Rick was arrested for stealing $40 worth of DVD's and then again for $300 worth of necktie's.

Let's start with the obvious. Rick makes a pretty nice amount of money, and should probably be able to afford the relatively small amount of merchandise he stole from the mall. I'm also going to guess that either a) he's a kleptomaniac, has been doing this for years, and was unfortunately busted twice within a few days, or b) he's the worst thief ever. It reminds me of the Seinfeld episode where Jerry catches his uncle Leo stealing from the bookstore, then finds out that his parents often steal batteries from the grocery store. Apparently people over 60 feel that because they have lived so long they can steal at any time without consequence. This is what eight-year old kids do. It sounds awesome to be an elder.

Here's where Rick's problems started. After he was arrested he continued to work at the Abe Lincoln Library by lying (insert terrible honest Abe joke here) to his employer. I guess he didn't technically lie, he just withheld the truth, but it ended up being enough to get him canned from his well paying job. This is a lesson to the readers out there. If you get arrested for theft, get a DUI, sleep with a hooker that turns out to be a cop, or backslap some douchebag at a bar for being a douchebag, then just tell your employer. Unless of course you arrested in a different state or you get a felony. In that case keep it to yourself because they're either never going to find out, or they're going to fire you no matter what.

I was also wondering why Rick had to steal $40 worth of DVD's. What inspired this, old man? Haven't you heard of Netflix? Who buys DVD's anymore anyway? Plus that only equates to about two DVD's, which means your not really getting anything out of your theft. Remember risk should equal reward. God only knows what movies this idiot stole. I'm guessing, based on his background, that the two movies were 'Night at the Museum' and 'Throbin Hood (Prince of Beaves)'. The first because he works in a museum, and the second because he's a sick, disgusting, old man. God only knows what the $300 worth of neckties were for...

And the Search Begins...

As I announced yesterday, I'm begun my search to find a new employer. I've decided that the world is my oyster and I will stop at nothing to find a more interesting job than the one I've been plodding through the past few years. So far nothing on Craigslist or any of the scam job-search websites have produced anything with substance, thus I've decided to think way outside the box on this one. My goal is to work somewhere other than a cubicle, and something other than your typical 9-5 hours. Pay is no longer an issue, and neither is my desire for respect. I don't care how degrading the job is, as long as I enjoy myself. Here's what I've found so far.

Zookeeper - Pretty difficult to get the job it turns out. For some reason you have to obtain many different special degrees to even sell cotton candy at the D.C. Zoo. I thought I would walk in and they'd hand me the keys to the place, but it turns out that a) I don't know that much about animals, and b) I might not even like animals. It also turns out that winter is approaching and the place basically shuts down for a few months, which means their hiring process hibernates as well (sweet bear pun).

Ski Instructor - After realizing the errors of my way with the zoo, I figured I'd find a more suitable occupation for the cold weather, and ski instructor fit the bill. Their job is to teach idiots how to ski down a mountain for a few hours a day, and then go to a ski lodge and get hammered. Sounds incredible, huh? Well, it turns out there were a few moguls in my quest. First of all, there really isn't a ski slope within 100 miles of D.C., which means I'd have to move to Vermont, Colorado, or *gasp* southern Virginia. Secondly, I don't like the cold weather. I get frostbitten easily, plus it's really expensive to hit up the tanning booth twice a week. Lastly, and more importantly, I don't really know how to ski. Because I've never lived near the slopes and I hate the cold, I've never took the time out of my life to learn the sport, if one could call it that.

Guitar Teacher - It turns out that people pay good money to learn guitar, and they even come over to your house for the lessons. I could sit on my ass all day and teach idiots how to strum a few chords, and once they become better than me I move to a new town and start all over again. So I recalled my first guitar lessons as a youth, and decided I would emulate my old instructor. His name was Sheeva, he was 28, had dreadlocks, listened to Frank Zappa, drove a bike everywhere, spoke with a slight British accent even though he was from Baltimore, and pretty much sucked at guitar. He thought he was incredible just because he knew the opening lick to Jimi Hendrix's 'Crosstown Traffic', which he started every lesson with. I hated this man, and therefore refuse to follow in his dirty footsteps.

Priest - Ha, nevermind.

Obama Supporter - Apparently he's hiring help all over the place considering how many of them there are, and I might as well get on the bandwagon. I'm not sure if these individuals get paid anything, but even if it's ten bucks an hour I'll take the job. I love beating on peoples doors incessantly throughout the night and disrupting their dinner. Hey Obama, you have a nice lead in the polls, cool it with the annoyances. Anyway, I was going to do this but I'm not a 60-year old woman, so I didn't qualify.

Olympic Athlete - I figure that the next summer Olympics isn't for another four years, so I have a ridiculous amount of time to train for any event I want. If I practice every single day I'm sure I could be somewhat competitive in archery, or badminton, or skeet shooting. We suck at these events anyway, and since my only goal is to make the Olympics, I just have to beat out the other Americans. Then I win gold, get on Wheaties boxes, and have sex with random women in Las Vegas casino's all while pretending to be a class act American role model. Basically, I want to be Michael Phelps.

I give up. There's no other options for me other than to stay with my current employer, or find another IT related job. It's so difficult to start a new career in this country, which seems unfair. Basically, whatever major you pick in your freshman year of college is what you're going to do for the rest of your life. Like I knew what the hell I was thinking when I was 18? I was so stoned I could barely operate a motor vehicle, yet my choice to major in computers will stick with me until I'm old, gray, and despondent. It looks like I'll have to put up with my boss hating his life, and thus making mine suck by comparison. And now, I'm leaving for the rest of the day for a fake dentist appointment. If I'm gonna stay with this company, it'll be at my disposal.

The End of the Line...

This whole economy thing is taking over the world. People are freaking out, and rightfully so, which is causing the economy to slip even further into recession. At first I didn't mind all the hub-bub because I don't really care about money, but now it's starting to get annoying. It's all people talk about. Now our company is devising new ways to save money, most of which involve me working more hours and taking less lunch breaks. How is that going to save money? More disgruntled workers = higher bottom line? I must have missed that class in college.

My other issue with the economy, is that it's put everyone in a sour mood. My boss doesn't even smile anymore, which makes my job that much harder. If I screw up even a smidgen (which usually happens twice a week) I get chewed out for a good twenty minutes. Last week I left work ten minutes early because I had theater tickets (fine, I was going to a happy hour) and my boss called my cellphone to explain how disappointed he was. Although, he didn't really explain anything. He just cursed a bunch along with the words 'lazy', 'no good bum', and 'that was your last strike'.

Normally this is a rather calm man, but the economy is acting like some sort of proverbial full moon that transfers him into a killing machine. At first, I somewhat understood. He just bought a house, he recently had his second child, and his wife is kind of a bitch. But are you going to act like this until the recession ends? Why does money effect your happiness so much? Some experts are saying this downturn could last until 2010, or maybe even longer. There is no way I could work for the werewolf version of this man for another year and a half, so I've thought about looking elsewhere for employment.

This whole week I'm scouring the classifieds for new, gainful employment. Granted, this is probably not the right time to do so, but if you had to work for this gentleman you'd be doing the same. Wish me luck, I'll keep you posted.

Part-Time Employment

Let's continue focusing on unemployment this week, by figuring out what you should do if it just so happens that you get canned. Even if you haven't been laid off recently, that possibility still exists, and you must prepare accordingly. For the average American, one must take weeks or even months of extensive research to find the perfect job. This can often cost the most frugal of us to delve into our savings, or even worse, build up a substantial amount of debt. To avoid such scenarios, sometimes a part-time job must be found in order to gather a few extra bucks. When it comes to part-time work most of it is either degrading, not enough money, terrible hours, or a combination of all three. There is also a great chance you're not going to receive any medical benefits, which can be costly to purchase off the street (although I know a guy).

I've broken down a few of the most popular options one has when choosing a new part-time occupation, and based them on four different variables.

Waiter/Bartender --

Chance of Employment: Reasonably easy. If you worked in the food industry at any time in your life, you're almost assured of getting a job. No matter how terrible the economy is, people always need to eat, and they enjoy eating more when someone is serving them as their own personal butler.

Degrading Scale: As I just said, you're a butler/maid. I've worked many jobs in the food industry, and despite the positives, you always feel like your somebody's bitch. I hate when some slick dude on a first date tries to impress his woman by treating the help like shit by saying things like, "I asked for no lemon in my water you dumbass", or "can you get me a clean spoon so I can fix my hair without walking all the way to the bathroom", or "stop grabbing my girlfriends thigh you sick pervert, where is your manager". Customers can be so rude.

Money: Pretty sweet. Strippers might make more, which is crap since it's much easier to give a lap dance than it is to carry four martini's on a single tray. At least with the lap dance you can close your eyes and imagine you're somewhere else.

Hours: Terrible. You're normally going to work nights and weekends which will completely ruin your social life. Once you start working and realize this, then you will immediately make friends with other people in the restaurant industry, just so you can have someone to hang out with. A few weeks later you're blackout in a buddies house at 5am on a Tuesday night wondering where your life went wrong, and why your family paid for that college education.

Overall Rating: 7.4

Retail (anything in a mall really) --

Chance of Employment: Pretty much guaranteed. I once worked at a bookstore after college for a few weeks, and I don't think I even applied. I walked in, bought a book, and the guy offered me a job. The next thing I knew I was stealing magazines and switching price tags on books just to screw with the management. My employment didn't last very long.

Degrading Scale: Not good. Even though it's easy work and you'll pretty much coast by while making minimum wage, you're not going to feel good about yourself, believe me. One day you'll be working the counter at Brookstone's and an college buddy will stroll in looking for a massage chair for his father-in-laws birthday. You'll have an awkward 'great to see you' conversation that is followed by the old pal calling your fraternity brothers to mock your current job status. Then you'll throw an ipod speaker into the back of his head and break his leg with a soothing clock radio.

Money: Eh, you could do better. You're taking this job for hell of it, not for the money. Don't buy anything that involves a loan or investors, because you won't be able to pay anything back for a long time. Also, you should probably steal from your employer if they're a national chain, just so you can make ends meat.

Hours: Pretty sweet. Most malls close around 9pm, leaving you plenty of time to get completely bombed and make it back to the store when it opens at 10am the next day.

Overall Rating: 6.3

Drug Dealer --

Chance of Employment: I'm not really sure, but I feel like they're everywhere.

Degrading Scale: If anyone you know finds out, then you're screwed. If you can manage to keep it a secret by lying to everyone you know about what you do, then you should be fine.

Money: From what I've heard, pretty nice. Although, you also take the chances of being put in jail for many years.

Hours: If you're good at it, only a few a week. If you're not, then you'll be working 24 hours a day sleeping in a cell with another man. Risk = reward.

Overall Rating: 8.3 (the money aspect sounds pretty sweet)

Substitute Teacher --

Chance of Employment: As long as you have a college degree and no felonies on your record, then you are a candidate. Unfortunately in this country, that only leaves like 8% of the population.

Degrading Scale: Not too bad. You're helping out today's youth, which might not actually be a good thing. I remember how I used to treat substitutes back in my day, and I only assume it's gotten worse.

Money: I think most schools pay around $100 a day, which isn't terribly awful for a part-time job. Of course, you get no benefits and have to deal with bratty kids all day that may or may not be hot high school girls (I probably shouldn't have written that).

Hours: Amazing. Subs only work when they are called in, and they don't have to work at all in the summer or any holiday that is observed by a country that is part of NATO.

Overall Rating: 6.2

Panhandler --

Chance of Employment: Ridiculously easy. All you have to do is grab a cup full of coins and sit on a street with a good amount of foot traffic. It's easier if you have a talent such as guitar, harmonica, or a beat up old pet dog.

Degrading Scale: Not too hot. You're basically at the bottom of the totem pole on this one, and if that hottie you had a crush on in high school sees you bumming for whiskey money on the side of the road, she probably won't sleep with you at the next reunion. Also, people might spit on you.

Money: I've heard that some of these chaps make up to $80,000 a year, which seems ridiculous, plus they're not paying taxes either. Also, you get to collect unemployment while eating most of your meals at soup kitchens. Seems kinda swank if you ask me.

Hours: This is like owning your own business, so you pretty much make your own hours. Also, working consists of sitting down next to an empty hat, so it's not like you're putting in too much effort anyway.

Overall Rating: 7.6

So it looks like the two best jobs, according to my scientific system, are drug dealer and panhandler. Doesn't seem fair, does it? Sadly, this is probably why our country has issues with drugs, overpopulation of prisons, and high rates of unemployment. At least you know where to find me if I get fired from my job...living on the street selling uppers.

Wait, They Just Give You Money?

I know a good amount of people that are either unemployed, looking to be unemployed, or wishing they were unemployed. Of these people, exactly zero collect unemployment, and I'm not sure why. Currently, a portion of our tax dollars go to feeding the recently fired demographic of this country by giving them around $300 every month. Unless you're a complete moron, how are you not taking advantage of this?

Personally I've never really been one to steal funds from a government organization, but if they're going to throw it all out on the line, why not take advantage? It's common sense really. I recently had lunch with my 94-year old grandmother, who had a lot of information to add on the situation. She explained that, back in her day, people would take their unemployment checks and spend them on new vacuums. She then explained that no one actually did this except her, and she only did it because she had a crush on the door-to-door vacuum salesman. She also mentioned that the guy gave her a 'discount', which is when I left the room and threw up in the hallway of her retirement home.

Seriously, Nana...

Anyway, it turns out if you live in the great state of Rhode Island, unemployment is even easier to obtain. First of all, everything can be done over the phone. You don't have to walk your ass down to the unemployment office, you don't have to explain what jobs you've been applied for, and you don't even have to wear a godforsaken tie. All you have to do is own a cellphone. That's right, a single call to the unemployment office and you're basking in the great realm of making money without doing anything.

What they don't have in size, they make up for with free money...

Normally I would be upset by this information, but it's Rhode Island, and I'm pretty sure this one positive outweighs all the negatives (no offense to people who live there, I'm sure the place is swell). I'm betting that half of the state hates their lives, and the other half wishes they lived in Connecticut, unless of course you're unemployed. The maximum amount of money you can pull from unemployment in that state is $528 a week. Are you kidding me? That's almost a $30,000 a year salary. I'm not sure I could live on that, but I could definitely use that as a supplemental income while I spend my time making money illegally. Or I would just take a trip to Atlantic City every week, put $528 on black, and either have a great week or a shitty week. What a way to live.

Also, the state gives you two options on how to collect this free money. You can either a) have the money deposited directly into your checking account or b) have the payments loaded onto a temporary credit card. That's a tough decision. Personally I'd rather have them send three hookers to my house every Tuesday morning. At least that way I don't have to think about the free money.

I decided that yesterday morning I would see what happens if I apply for unemployment in Rhode Island, even though I've never actually stepped foot anywhere near there. Personally, I think I was pretty close to being hooked with one of those money unemployment Mastercards, but alas, some lady caught on to my little ruse. Apparently ripping off the Rhode Island state government is harder than I expected, but I refuse to give up. I just applied online for a drivers license and I had my car registered there. They think they can push me away, but I'm getting that $528, just you wait...

Let's go Rays...

The Cut-Backs have Begun...

It's official, our company is hitting the brakes. Not long after promising that everyones job is safe, the higher-up's have began to layoff hard working Americans left and right. This is something we've all expected for some time now, but it's surprising nonetheless. Of course, there are positives to being laid off that most people don't focus on. You usually get paid some insane amount of money for a pretty decent period of time, which will provide you with the means to vacation your ass off. Also, you can collect unemployment (more on that tomorrow). Of course, if you don't plan correctly you could be out of money by Christmas, but I'm not even sure that printed money works anymore. We may be on a whole new currency by now.

The victims in our office's cutbacks are obviously a bit downtrodden, but they were all pretty worthless in my opinion. I hate giving props to the management of our company, but if I had to let three people go, these are the exact three I would have selected. Scratch that, I would have thrown myself in the pile as well, considering I know how little I do on a daily basis. Here are the aforementioned, newly unemployed bed-wetters.

Rick - Not a bad guy, but he would never really speak unless spoken to. Plus, he's been here almost two years and still asks me a few questions a day about routine, arduous work. I'm pretty sure that he asks questions just to strike up a conversation, but I don't really have the time to chit-chat about how to spell check using Microsoft Word. He seems a bit fragile, but if my assumptions are correct, I think he'll land on his feet soon (except not for a Fortune 500 company with outstanding benefits).

Odds of Crying: 4/1 - It'll definitely happen in his car on the way home, but I'm quietly pulling for some tears while he's packing up his desk today.

Next Job Prediction: Information desk at a Barnes and Noble. He's always reading huge books with dragons on them, so I assume that after he can't find another IT job, he'll resort to working somewhere that will feed his hobbies.

Length of Employment at New Job: Three weeks. I don't think he realizes that by working at an Information Desk in a bookstore his main job will be to answer questions, not ask them. This could throw him off a bit.

Kristie - I'm not even sure what the hell this woman did here, but I do know she loved to talk about Dancing with the Stars in the break room. And it's not like she was talking to anyone specific that also watched the show, but she would simply talk to everyone. I once had to tell her that I think combining D-List celebrities with prime-time television and dancing sounds like the equation to unlock the gates of hell, and she took it rather hard.

Odds of Crying: Less than the odds of her crying when (insert her favorite douchebag celebrity here) gets kicked off of DWTS next week. I swear, she could be starving, living in a box on the corner of Mass & 14th and she'd still find a way to care about that damn show.

Next Job Prediction: Nail salon. She needs to be working in a place where she can have lengthy conversations with other women about things that don't matter at all.

Length of Employment at New Job: 32 years. I think she's really going to fit in there.

Paul - In all of my work experience, he's the only coworker I've been genuinely afraid of. He always seems like he's about to crack at the seams and go completely off the wall for no reason. I usually walk the long way to my desk everyday, because I figure the less that he sees me, the less likely he is to kill me. When I heard that he was let go this morning, my first instinct was to fake an illness and get the hell out of the building. I don't want to be around for the wrath. But I'm no wuss, and was also too eager to see Rick cry like a baby. Of course, looking back on it, I wish I had left. When I ventured to the bathroom five minutes later, guess who was washing their hands...

Paul: Oh, hey Steve. Did you hear the news?
Me: Yea, I'm sorry Paul. You'll be missed good buddy.
Paul: Um, my name is Brian.
Me: You're kidding? All this time I thought it was Paul for some reason.
Brian: No, always been Brian. Maybe that's because you've always avoided me.
Me: Dude, not true. I'm just really busy is all.
Brian: Sure man. Anyway, it was a blessing in disguise. I just got a job in Chicago working for Playboy.
Me: Say what now?
Brian: My uncle is an accountant there and got me a job last week. I was going to put in my two weeks tomorrow, but now I'm just going to take the huge payout they're giving me here and use it to buy a condo somewhere in Lincoln Park.
Me: Wait, you don't seem all that crazy?
Brian: I'm not. You've never even talked to me.
Me: Damn, that was stupid.

Odds of Crying: I'm going to go with zero. Unless he cries when he shows up to the Playboy mansion, which is hard to blame him for.

Next Job Prediction: Screw you Paul. Sorry, I mean screw you Brian.

Length of Employment at New Job: I'm hoping the rest of his life because while he was leaving the office I tracked him down and gave him a copy of my resume. Odds are that he tore it up upon leaving the parking garage, but you never know. Hopefully I receive a call in the next few weeks asking me to fly out to the windy city for an interview. Everyone has a dream job...

MAILBAG!!!

It's been a fun week, let's get to the emails...

Peddler,

A coworker of mine brought his wife into work the other day. I'm sure you have an opinion on this, and I was wondering what it was.

Pete, MD

Pete,

I've seen this act time and time again, and I've never been a big fan. It's one thing if you bring your kid into the office because you want to show him or her where you make your money, but bringing in a spouse is an unarguable no-no. The main reason a spouse wants to enter the domains of their lovers office is to see what all the hype is about. If you're married, you go home every night and bitch to your significant other about the tribulations of every day work life, mainly because your spouse is there to reconcile. However, after awhile the opposing entity of your marriage realizes that they'd like to meet face to face with the culprits, and you are stuck having to invite them into your work world.

This usually leads to terribleness. Take last summer for example, when Gene decided to bring his wife into the office to see what he does for a living. Unfortunately, I was stuck in the coffee shop for three hours with her....

Gene's Wife: Hi, I'm Gene's wife. And you are?
Me: I'm Steve, a random coworker.
Gene's Wife: Oh, I've heard a lot about you. My husband says you're quite the go-getter.
Me: I'm not sure what that means, but I'll take your word for it.
Gene's Wife: You're the young guy he always goes to happy hour with. Why do you love going to Chili's every other night? That place seems like a dull place for a man of your age.
Me: I wouldn't step foot in a Chili's if the waitresses were dressed solely in jalapeno peppers.
Gene's Wife: I'm confused. Gene said that the two of you go there for happy hour a few times a week, and that's why he misses dinner every so often.
Me: Honestly, I have no idea what you're talking about. I try and hang out with work people as little as possible.
Gene's Wife: Oh dear, do you think he was lying to me?
Me: Sounds like it.

Looking back on the situation I should have probably had Gene's back, but I slipped up. Nevertheless, he's now going through a tough divorce that will more then likely end up allowing him to meet new women and move on with his life. If anything, I think I've done him a favor.

Peddler,

My son used to be such a sweet boy, and recently that has all changed. He received a job where he is making a ton of money and now he thinks he's the cat's pajamas. Every time he comes home for dinner he talks about his conquests and blasts techno music throughout our house speakers. It's infuriating.

Lois, NJ

Dear Lois,

I've seen this a million times. I'm guessing that in high school your son was a nice boy, perhaps even a virgin, and then he went to college and grew an ego. Now he has a high paying job with actual responsibility and it's gone to his head. This is easily curable, believe me. The key is to match him up with a woman that is way to good for him, although he won't realize it at the time. If I were you I'd set him up with a dancer for a local NBA basketball team, a woman that is physically and emotionally out of his league.

At first he'll think he's running the show because he has court side seats and dates the closest thing to a stripper you can find. But eventually he will realize that the woman owns him and he will come back to Earth. That is when you make a lunch date with this beautiful woman and convince her to break up with your son because he wet his bed until sophmore year of high school. Soon enough, he'll be crying on your shoulder and you'll have your son back the way he once was. I wish this were common knowledge, but the fact remains that boys will be boys, and you have a to do whatever it takes to put them in line.

Peddles,

I am a Cowboys fan, and considering my team just lost to the Cardinals, I am a bit downtrodden. Now it turns out that half my team isn't even playing, including Tony Romo. Is all hope lost????

Robbie, VA

Robbie,

Look, I'm not a fantasy football guru, so I'm not even going to answer your question. Instead, I'm going to talk about something completely unrelated to everything.

I've always been in awe, since I was a child, that society takes certain things for granted. One of the things I feel we neglect is the overpopulation of squirrels in this country. We don't always realize that these are wild animals that are prouncing around our suburban areas willy nilly, and seeing one of these critters doesn't even surprise us anymore. Now imagine if instead of squirrels, nature deemed a different animal in this country instead. For this instance, let's imagine that lions were the norm.

If for every squirrel you saw scurrying up a tree, it was a lion just chilling outside your driveway. How freaking awesome would that be? We'd have to peek out our windows every morning on the way to the car to make sure the king of the jungle wasn't perched behind our Dodge Stratus. Then we'd make a sprint to the front seat, lock the door, and floor it to our lame ass job in Reston. It would make life that much more interesting.

You want to go to a bar on random Tuesday? Not so fast. First you think to yourself, 'I can't wait to meet up with this girl, I really think she likes me'. You get half way there when suddenly, right in front of you, a beast with fangs is standing on the sidewalk.


Holy crap, it's a lion. What would you do, honestly? First off, I'd make sure someone a bit overweight was close by, because when someone else is near you don't have to outrun the lion, you just have to outrun the other person. This country probably wouldn't be in the turmoil it's currently in if lions would substitute their place in nature with squirrels, because we'd be so on guard most of the time. Every day would be a challenge to keep yourself alive in the world of lions, and that in itself would keep the governmental bodies on edge enough to run the country properly.

Just a thought. Enjoy your weekends bitches...

Firing in the News

Normally when we delve into the psyche of a randomly fired American, we focus on the why and how. Well not this time. Today we will discuss how the average employee goes about proving their worth after a firing occurs. Sure, we've all had our moments of being completely infuriated by the higher-ups letting us have it, and sometimes our indiscretions can lead to a sweet ass pink slip. Personally, I've never been fired, but I always imagine what my reaction would be if it ever happened. I assume I would simply bash my former employer behind their back and move on with my life. But sometimes the situations get out of hand.

Hence our newest firing in the news subject, a young lady from the great state of Minnesota. In late June, an employee of the respectable Super 8 Motel in Rochester, MN was fired for undisclosed reasons. Based on her post-firing actions I'm guessing she was fired for having relations with a customer, or stealing cash out of the register in front of the security cameras. Either way, she felt that she was wronged, and figured she'd get back at the massive entity that is Super 8 Motel.

It turns out that our good friend, Courtney Renee Schletty, who happens to only be 18, recently trashed one of the hotel (sorry, motel) rooms of her previous employer. According to the report, 'the sheets were pulled off the bed, a picture frame was cracked, coffee and coffee grounds were spilled on the mattress, towels and sheets were put in the bathtub and toilet, headboards and lights were pulled out of the wall, and toilet paper was strung throughout the room.'

Okay Super 8, I have a few questions. First off, why would you let a recently fired employee stay in your hotel (sorry, motel)? Secondly, how priceless was this motel room picture we're talking about? I'm guessing it was a picture of two horses roaming the countryside.


Ahh, very beautiful. It's mentioned in the article that the damage done was $2,046.98. I'm not sure how you randomly came up with that number, but I've contacted my accountant who is rather good with numbers. Let's see what he came up with.

Sheets pulled off the bed -- It takes housekeeping about 12 minutes to pick the sheets up off the floor and take them to the washer.

Total cost: $28 (labor)

Picture frame -- We've already seen what would probably resemble the picture, and we must assume that the frame is just as incredible.

Total cost: $40

Coffee and coffee grounds spilled on the mattress -- First of all, the coffee is a perk of staying in the room and should cost nothing. Secondly, coffee grounds can easily be cleaned off a mattress. It's not like we're talking about red wine here.

Total cost: $38 (cost of a freaking Dust Buster)

Towels and sheets were put in the bathtub -- Normally I would consider that cleaning the towels, but apparently the geniuses at Super 8 don't like when their towels are soaked in a cleansing area. Let's say, for the purpose of arguing, that the towels and sheets had been dunked in hotel (sorry, motel) water, and were ruined beyond all recognition. And then let's assume that these were sheets were egyptian cotton.

Total cost: $200

Headboards and lights were pulled out of the wall -- I'm not sure how you pull a headboard, which is not attached to a wall, out of a wall. This must be one bizarre hotel (sorry, motel). But I will admit that the defendants act of pulling the light sockets out of the wall is very inconsiderate, and should demand serious repercussions.

Total cost: $150 (that includes the headboard)

Toilet paper was strung throughout the room -- My junior year of high school I hooked up with a random sophomore during spring break. At first I thought it was completely innocent, until I realized that her boyfriend was on the football team. The next thing I knew my entire house, front yard, car, backyard, garage, and dog were covered in toilet paper because of what I did. My father made me take down the obstruction, which took about 15 minutes. And I was crying during the entire ordeal.

Total cost: $7 (roll of toilet paper...minimum labor needed)

This brings me to the total cost of Miss Schletty's fine: $463. Somehow, the Super Duper 8 Motel decided to multiply that number by five and charge a poor innocent young lady her life savings. And why? Because she got angry and trashed a hotel (sorry, motel) room. Haven't we all been there before? Even though it's wrong and outrageous, there are times when it feels right to let out our feelings and completely trash the employer that gave us so much shit. That's the American way.

Unfortunately for our friend, there will be some jail time in the near future. And as much as I think she should have her job back, she made the mistake of telling other employees she had this plan all along. In retrospect, her only fault was not trashing the place enough. If you're going to go out with a bang then steal the ironing board, disable the shower head, and kick the person who took your job in the shins. You probably would have received less of a fine then you did from spilling coffee grounds on a shitty mattress.

This is a wake up call to the American people. If you get fired, you don't have to get even, just find a new job. And if you feel as though must get even, make sure you do it up right. And by that I mean pissing on the horse painting, throwing the TV through the window, and impregnating one of the housekeepers. Now THAT'S the American way...

Debate Time: The Last Day

We have an employee leaving us this afternoon, and it will be on his own terms. He's been with the company for 22 years and is quitting to sail the world or some other odd adventure. Normally this type of thing wouldn't effect my day in the least, but it turns out we get a free lunch and a happy hour out of it. Catered food and free drinks? I wish this guy would quit more often. Anyway, that got me to thinking. Which type of job terminations do you prefer...when someone quits, or when someone is fired? Let's debate...

The Quitter

Pro's:

-When a coworker quits their job with a reasonable excuse or after a long term of employment, there will no doubt be some sort of celebration involved. Society always wants to let people know that they are going to miss them no matter what the situation. That's why we have funerals.

-These celebrations can often times be a raucous affair, especially if booze is involved. The last job I quit involved me, my boss, and the president of the company at a strip club until 3am. I don't remember the last two hours, but I woke up with a sore pelvis and some sort of tassel stuck to my neck.

-Everyone is usually in a good mood when someone quits on their own accord. The office may have a sad sense to it, but it's the type of sad you get when your buddy dumps his girlfriend, who you just happen to despise. "You're moving on to big and better things, congratulations."

-There may be a chance for a job opening. If that is the case, start doing reconnaissance work the day you hear an employee is quitting. Find out the last day of their employment, start buffing up your resume, and tell everyone else in the office that they're hiring from outside the company for the new opening. Then, when you get the job, fire everybody and start from scratch.

Cons:

-When someone quits to do something else, I personally always feel resentful towards them in that, 'what are you, better then me' type of way. What makes this gal so great that she can get up and quit while I'm stuck here fiddling around in this meeting. Oh, you're moving to New York City, you must be soooo cool. Blow me.

-You have to put up with the now ex-employee making his or her rounds. This is the worst. Everytime someone quits they have to make this grand exit that involves interrupting everyone for at least five minutes to give hugs and wish happiness. The worst part is my cube is situated in the back of the office, which means I'm usually the last to get approached. This is a negative situation because I have to hear this moron go to every other cube, explain why he's quitting, give full details of what he's doing with his life, and then get emotional. And even though I've heard them say it twelve times already, I still have to act like I care...

Bob: Steve, I'm outta here. Heading out as we speak.
Steve: No way Bob, that sucks. It's been such a pleasure working with you.
Bob: Yea, I just wasn't feeling it too much anymore, and I have some new opportunities.
Steve: Let me guess, you're quitting because you want to pursue your dream of being an artist.
Bob: Wow, how'd you know that?
Steve: I'm good Bob. Although you still love the company and hope to return and say hello any chance you get.
Bob: Well of course.
Steve: But that will be tough because you are moving to Paris in three weeks, and have no plans on returning.
Bob: Yea, did you read my blog or something?
Steve: Also, you went to a strip club last weekend to celebrate your birthday, and you saw your eldest daughter working the pole. She's now in a reform school in Connecticut, and you've pretty much lost all communication with her.
Bob: Now wait a second, I haven't told a single soul about that.
Steve: Bob, I told you. I'm good.


The Firing

Pro's:

-Obviously the biggest upside of someone else getting fired is the scene that could potentially be caused. If the employee really screwed up bad, you have a chance to witness public screaming and perhaps a security guard beating them up with a billy club. I've never seen this in my day, but I've heard stories.

-Usually when someone is fired you never hear from them or speak to them again. And when it comes to work people, this is always a good thing.

-I like watching someone get escorted out of the building by security because the company is afraid they will try and steal something on their way out. What a lack of trust these people have. Sometimes I'll take pictures of the guard and the newly unemployed jerkoff walking down the hall, sullen as a two dollar whore.

-If someone gets fired, it usually means it's Friday.

-If someone gets fired it means that either a) another employee was doing less or worse work then me, or b) this company has no idea how little the amount of work I'm actually doing. Both reasons will help me sleep at night.

Con's:

-I racked my brain for about twenty minutes and couldn't come up with a negative aspect of a coworker getting fired. If someone gets canned, they probably deserved it, and it means I may be promoted in the long run. The only seemingly negative outcome I could imagine was if the coworker was on my project team, and their firing meant my workload would increase. That is definitely a con.

-Oh yea, and no happy hour. For some reason, if someone gets fired, it's hard for the company to celebrate the fact that they ever worked here. You're only as good as your last at-bat, as they say.

After debating which is worse, I think it's obvious that I would rather see a coworker get fired then quit. I know it sounds morose, but business is a cutthroat type of industry, and you have to take what you can get when you can get it. But I will say this...If I ever get fired I will not only make a scene all over the office, but I will also make sure HR plans the most kickass happy hour on the east coast. I want to cuss out my bosses, and then share a margarita with them afterwards. That's my dream...