Firing in the News

Last week we discussed the ramifications of how falling asleep at the wheel (joystick? handle? let's just say in the cockpit) of a commercial airliner can and will get you fired from your job as pilot. The advice for that story was rather self explanatory, so I decided to step it up a bit for the second one. A week ago today a 30 year-old science teacher from Florida (it seems as though every scandalous story involving teachers comes from Florida, I really need to move down there) was fired from her job at the school. In short, it came to the attention of the school board that she had a second job as a bikini-clad waitress for a fishing charter nudie boat company called Smokin 'Em Charters.

Apparently this classy broad was the only one of the waitresses that didn't bare her top shelf, so she has morals or whatever, but her firing could have been easily avoided. The fact that the administration found out about her misdeeds means that she obviously opened her big mouth to someone, since there's no other way they would have discovered this side job. If the principal or another higher-up was on the charter boat one night and saw her working, then they have to explain what the hell they were doing on a crazy sex orgy dance party boat. I also love how this woman has three kids and has recently been offered to pose for Playboy, which she is seriously considering. So she wouldn't take her top off for 20 horny fisherman on the Gulf of Mexico, but she'll show her goods for all of America, including her three children. This woman defines hypocrisy.

In the wake of her misfortunes, here are a few tips on getting and keeping a second job:

-If you really want to get a classless job like becoming a stripper, hooker, or waitress then don't inform your current employer. Sure the IRS will be on your ass for all the extra income you're pulling in, but there are ways around that. Only accept cash as your method of payment and keep it in a shoebox beneath your bed, breaking it out only for spending money on things like food, new stripper clothes, and psychiatrist bills.

-Work somewhere that no one from your other job will ever see you. The TGI Friday's that's on the lower floor of your office building probably isn't a good choice. It's going to be an odd happy hour when you're serving cocktails to your boss five minutes after he chewed you out for taking a nap at lunch. And in your erratic state, you'll probably slip a mickey in his apple martini, which means you'll be taking your naps in the Big House from now on.

-Don't start a website that takes up half your regular work day in which all you do is ridicule the people and policies of your company. I can't stress that enough.

-If you bartend, try not to drink after your Tuesday night shifts until 5am. It really doesn't matter how much cologne you have on, or how much Scope you've gargled, someone (usually another alcoholic within the company) is going to smell the Crown Royal coming out of your pores. The first time is funny, but after the twelfth time expect to come home and have all your friends and family seated in a circle in your living room.

-There's a lady in our office, Mary Beth, that has a second job as a substitute teacher (or so she says). Whenever she gets a call from a school she will go there and teach instead of coming in to her real job for the day. Somehow this is okay with the powers that be at our company. I also find it suspicious that she pulls this stunt at odd times, like in the middle of the summer or the day after Christmas. Maybe there are Elementary schools open on those days, I just find it odd. I tried to say once that I needed a few days off a week to train for a triathlon, and my boss said "I hope that triathlon gig pays well because you won't be receiving any paychecks from us if you skip work for it". I wondered if the triathlon thing wasn't believable because of my excessive lifestyle and ever expanding gut, so I told him I was working on a charity benefit and may need a few days off a week. He responded with, "I hope that charity benefit gig pays well because you won't be receiving any paychecks from us if you skip work for it". I think Mary Beth may be sleeping with someone.

Anyway, all this teacher/hooker had to do was work on her stripper boat, keep it to herself, and save up that cash. Then she got greedy and couldn't keep her mouth shut, leading to her untimely demise. Of course, now she'll make $500,000 for one hour of work posing nude for Playboy so it didn't end all that bad for her. Although, her children will be mocked for life, so I guess it all evens out.

**Charles Update** He called out sick today, on his fourth day working here. I've written a formal report to HR on why he should be relieved of his duties with this company and even informed them that I would do the firing if need be. Not that I have anything against Charles, I just have a feeling he doesn't like me, and I can't work in that kind of environment.