"When you control the mail, you control....information"
I'm serious, stop sending me email. My gmail is already full and it holds like 70,000 megabytes. But in all honesty, the more questions the better, keep em coming.
Let's get to my three favorite emails of the week...
Hey Peddles,
I work in a pretty big office and I have a constant fear of passing gas and being subsequently ridiculed. Please tell me you have advice in this realm.
Samjaya, WA
Sam,
This is a tricky situation in any setting, especially when it happens on the Metro, or when you're in court. First of all, if you have to relieve yourself make sure you cough to suppress the noise of the flatulence you're about to admit. Your next move will be to blame it on someone else, third grade style. Why should you take the fall? But most importantly, you have to understand how to handle a coworker letting loose. Here are some tips for different types of employees....
Random Young Guy (Stan): Some people like to emit in the hopes that it will draw a laughter from their peers. These people are sick. Thus, I like to talk trash about them afterwards to everyone else in the office..
Me: What is that smell?
Mary Beth: I think something died in the kitchen, maybe the rats are back.
Me: Good theory, but to be honest I think I just saw Stan pull a fart and dart.
Mary Beth: That's so disgusting, it smells like the ass end of a rhino.
Middle Aged Woman in the Kitchen (Linda): Whenever someone female, older, or female and older passes gas you have to act civil and pretend like nothing happened. If she happens to be the assistant to the Vice President then call her out in the hopes that what you just heard can be used as blackmail for future promotions.
Boss (Boss): You simply pretend like it never happened. Even if he brings it up in a jovial manner, you stay the course, complete ignorance. That way you both know what happened and in the back of his mind he'll always remember that you treated his gassiness with respect. This helps in your life long quest of never getting fired.
Peddler,
I've had serious issues with kleptomania since the second grade and these feelings have carried into my work life. Do you ever, or have you ever stolen anything from the office supply room?
-Lourdes, CA
Lourdes,
There are three reasons to take something home for yourself from the mailroom...
1) You are having a fantasy football/baseball draft that night and you need a highlighter or sharpie to cross out the players that have come off the board.
2) Times are tough in the average worker home and selling a hot Swingline stapler is the only thing that will feed your family.
3) Because girls are attracted to the bad boys.
Obviously theft is a crime and should be avoided at all costs, but if somehow a brand new desk calender should happen to find its way into your coat pocket on the way home from work, then that's just dumb luck.
Peddler,
I recently pulled a practical joke on one of my employees and even though it was a terrible thing to do, the laughter I received has brought me good cheer the whole week through. Do you have any ideas?
-Matteus, DC
Matteus, just wondering, what crazy stunt did you pull in your office?
-Peddler
Wow, an email exchange with the Peddler!!! I can't wait to tell my father, he'll be so proud of me. Anyway, I went to a coworkers desk before he got in (he happens to be an older Asian gentleman) and switched the R key with an L key. He's a hunt and peck style typer so every email from him read rike this.
That's terribly offensive, but is astonishingly funny as well so I'll allow it. Here are a few of my regulars...
-If a coworker is running late, place a post-it note on their monitor that says "Where are you???" and write the name of your boss underneath. When they arrive and see the note they'll immediately freak out and write an email to the boss apologizing and assuring them it will never happen again. Then get your laughing shoes on when they get a reply that says "What are you talking about?"
-Sometimes I like to get into the office early and switch the computers of two coworkers. When they attempt to log on they will get nothing but error messages. It gets real funny when they both call the helpdesk and no one has any clue why just these two computers aren't allowing their users access. Sometimes I've let this farce go on for an entire morning while watching what these idiots do without the use of their sacred machines (usually it involves standing around and complaining to everyone).
-Go to a coworkers office when they're not around and change the time on their computer for thirty minutes in the past when you have a big meeting coming up. There's about a 50 percent chance they show up twenty minutes late for the meeting, which leaves you the perfect opportunity to nudge your boss and whisper, "Freaking Donaldson, way to show up on time. And you were gonna promote him?"
**Charles Update** The kid just won't learn. You know, you take time out of your day to teach these young people the ways of the world, and they just won't listen. Times were different in my day (4 years ago), back when people respected authority and all that crazy stuff. Anyway, the suits from corporate are in the office today and I'm having Charles spy on them to see if he can gain any intel on office gossip. So far all he's gotten is one of the guys is having his sons birthday party this weekend, and our office is officially changing the letterhead for outgoing mail. Thank heavens Charles isn't a detective.
Have a great weekend people...
Let's get to my three favorite emails of the week...
Hey Peddles,
I work in a pretty big office and I have a constant fear of passing gas and being subsequently ridiculed. Please tell me you have advice in this realm.
Samjaya, WA
Sam,
This is a tricky situation in any setting, especially when it happens on the Metro, or when you're in court. First of all, if you have to relieve yourself make sure you cough to suppress the noise of the flatulence you're about to admit. Your next move will be to blame it on someone else, third grade style. Why should you take the fall? But most importantly, you have to understand how to handle a coworker letting loose. Here are some tips for different types of employees....
Random Young Guy (Stan): Some people like to emit in the hopes that it will draw a laughter from their peers. These people are sick. Thus, I like to talk trash about them afterwards to everyone else in the office..
Me: What is that smell?
Mary Beth: I think something died in the kitchen, maybe the rats are back.
Me: Good theory, but to be honest I think I just saw Stan pull a fart and dart.
Mary Beth: That's so disgusting, it smells like the ass end of a rhino.
Middle Aged Woman in the Kitchen (Linda): Whenever someone female, older, or female and older passes gas you have to act civil and pretend like nothing happened. If she happens to be the assistant to the Vice President then call her out in the hopes that what you just heard can be used as blackmail for future promotions.
Boss (Boss): You simply pretend like it never happened. Even if he brings it up in a jovial manner, you stay the course, complete ignorance. That way you both know what happened and in the back of his mind he'll always remember that you treated his gassiness with respect. This helps in your life long quest of never getting fired.
Peddler,
I've had serious issues with kleptomania since the second grade and these feelings have carried into my work life. Do you ever, or have you ever stolen anything from the office supply room?
-Lourdes, CA
Lourdes,
There are three reasons to take something home for yourself from the mailroom...
1) You are having a fantasy football/baseball draft that night and you need a highlighter or sharpie to cross out the players that have come off the board.
2) Times are tough in the average worker home and selling a hot Swingline stapler is the only thing that will feed your family.
3) Because girls are attracted to the bad boys.
Obviously theft is a crime and should be avoided at all costs, but if somehow a brand new desk calender should happen to find its way into your coat pocket on the way home from work, then that's just dumb luck.
Peddler,
I recently pulled a practical joke on one of my employees and even though it was a terrible thing to do, the laughter I received has brought me good cheer the whole week through. Do you have any ideas?
-Matteus, DC
Matteus, just wondering, what crazy stunt did you pull in your office?
-Peddler
Wow, an email exchange with the Peddler!!! I can't wait to tell my father, he'll be so proud of me. Anyway, I went to a coworkers desk before he got in (he happens to be an older Asian gentleman) and switched the R key with an L key. He's a hunt and peck style typer so every email from him read rike this.
That's terribly offensive, but is astonishingly funny as well so I'll allow it. Here are a few of my regulars...
-If a coworker is running late, place a post-it note on their monitor that says "Where are you???" and write the name of your boss underneath. When they arrive and see the note they'll immediately freak out and write an email to the boss apologizing and assuring them it will never happen again. Then get your laughing shoes on when they get a reply that says "What are you talking about?"
-Sometimes I like to get into the office early and switch the computers of two coworkers. When they attempt to log on they will get nothing but error messages. It gets real funny when they both call the helpdesk and no one has any clue why just these two computers aren't allowing their users access. Sometimes I've let this farce go on for an entire morning while watching what these idiots do without the use of their sacred machines (usually it involves standing around and complaining to everyone).
-Go to a coworkers office when they're not around and change the time on their computer for thirty minutes in the past when you have a big meeting coming up. There's about a 50 percent chance they show up twenty minutes late for the meeting, which leaves you the perfect opportunity to nudge your boss and whisper, "Freaking Donaldson, way to show up on time. And you were gonna promote him?"
**Charles Update** The kid just won't learn. You know, you take time out of your day to teach these young people the ways of the world, and they just won't listen. Times were different in my day (4 years ago), back when people respected authority and all that crazy stuff. Anyway, the suits from corporate are in the office today and I'm having Charles spy on them to see if he can gain any intel on office gossip. So far all he's gotten is one of the guys is having his sons birthday party this weekend, and our office is officially changing the letterhead for outgoing mail. Thank heavens Charles isn't a detective.
Have a great weekend people...
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