Mailbag!

Peddler,

Sometimes at work I'm hungover and can't take it anymore. I just need to rest for a quick minute. I'm guessing you've napped at work, any suggestions?

Jeffery, VA

Jeff,

I do it once a week. Here are some tips...

-Make sure you don't fall asleep in the chair at your desk like a 70 year old man.

-Pass out underneath your desk and pull the chair all the way in. Turn off the monitor and put on your Outlook calender that you're at a client site for the next 90 minutes.

-Sometimes I turn on a fan or a clock radio at low volume to override the potential snoring sounds that may give away my slumber.

-Always tell a trusted coworker your plan so they'll have your back in case management comes creepin' through. If they give you up then hack into their computer and email the entire company a link to a gay porn site.

-If you work in an office where you park in a garage, drive your car to the lowest level and nap it up. Make sure you park in a corner or other hidden area if your windows aren't tinted, then lay your chair back and set the alarm on your cell phone.

-If you ever get caught sleeping in the office tell your boss that you are mildly depressed and need to talk to HR about your situation. When you get into their office cry like a wounded duck and tell them you're ashamed of yourself. They'll probably give you a raise.

-Even though it was rule one, no sleeping at your desk, I've actually perfected the art of falling asleep facing my computer while one hand is on the keyboard and the other is on the mouse. My body is also trained to wake itself up if someone comes within 25 yards of my desk. This takes years of practice and I wouldn't try it at home.


Peddler,

I work with a bunch of "driven" people who aside from their job also attend a graduate school program. They keep telling me I should get into this as it would further my career but I'm kinda done with the rigamaroll that is school. What do you think?

Stanley, PA

Listen Stan, this is an issue that is a personal decision. If you feel that a graduate program will give you that edge that will eventually move you up in the company so you can afford that M-Class Mercedes, then by all means, go for it. But if you enjoy less responsibility, and your four-door Subaru is getting great gas mileage, then screw it. I was never that great at school and have always believed that a persons real life work potential can never be measured by what they did in a classroom. Of course, this might also be why I'm stuck at a deadend job that disgusts me so terribly that I had to start a website that bashes its name.

Of course, you could always just SAY you're in graduate school to impress people while you're actually at home playing with yourself.


Peddler,

I recently went to a luncheon with a few colleagues, and a few of them ordered alcoholic beverages to quench their thirst. I didn't want to look like a wuss so I ordered a beer and drank half of it. What is the standard on drinking during the office lunch?

Josh, MO

Hey Josh,

I've obviously dabbled in the lunch drink fest a few times in my day, and there are only a few guidelines to follow. First of all, you must have gum and cologne at your desk, as this is a necessity of the everyday employee in the corporate world. Secondly, when you get back to your desk you're going to be a bit buzzed and will probably become complacent in about 30 minutes. This is the tell tale sign of the office drunky.

I really appreciate the guy at work that calls you into his office and then pours you a drink of single malt scotch from the bottle in the top left drawer of his desk. This guy reeks of awesome. This guy could be the CEO but chooses not to. This guy has never once waited in line. This guy doesn't own a car, he has a personal driver. This guy has never even heard of Grey's Anatomy, even though it's his wife's favorite show. This guy was an All-State basketball player in high school but will never bring it up in conversation because he doesn't have to impress you. When it rains, this guy doesn't come into work. This guy put two of his three kids through college from one weekend he spent in Vegas. This guy doesn't go to meetings. This guy once delivered a premature baby at a shopping mall in Dallas. This guy shows up to the office at 10am and leaves at 2pm. This guy didn't have to go to graduate school. At a work conference in Denver last year this guy walked into the bar you were partying at, bought the entire office a round, and walked out. This guy would never cheat on his wife but could get a hummer on the spot from every girl in the office. This guy is everything I hope to be someday, but will never become since I'm a lazy shit.

Have a stellar weekend. If you go to a bar don't walk out on your tab, the bouncers are faster than you think.