Mailbag!

We are having a special Thursday Mailbag today as I will not be posting tomorrow. I have a wedding to attend this weekend, and because wedding season is soon to be in full swing, I will be giving wedding tips all next week along with my normal posts. Should be a hoot...

Peddler,

I enjoyed your office pranks from a few weeks ago, and needed another one to get me through this day. Got anything?

Peter, VA

Pete,

Here’s one that I pull in our office occasionally. The entrance of my company is where the head receptionist sits in all her glory, and she has a candy bowl at the corner of her desk which is frequented by everyone in the office. The bowl is normally filled with regular M&M’s, although some days she replaces them with mints, to much criticism. About once a month, on an M&M day, I’ll wait for her to use the restroom and then dump an entire small bag of Skittles into the bowl and mix them around. I’m not sure if you’ve ever eaten a handful of Skittles mixed with M&M’s before, but it tastes like fruity garbage. Try and stand incognito about 20 feet from the desk and then watch the hilarity ensue.

Peddler,

Recently in my office there was a take your kid to work day, and many of the employees in our office brought in their children. It kind of freaked me out and I was curious as to your stance on this. Thanks,

Christie, NV

Christie,

This whole ‘Take your kids to work day’ phenomenon is something I obviously do not approve of. The workplace is the last place kids should ever be, they should be outside throwing dirt at each other and picking up frogs. The average American worker will spend 37 years* working in an office, why the hell do they have to go in when they’re eight years old ‘just for fun’.

I remember going to my dads’ law firm when I was a kid, looking out the window of kids playing catch in a park, and crying to myself. Then eventually some lawyer would see how bored I was and make me do copies of some 5,000 page referendum, which he would somehow convince me would be as fun as Lego’s. Damn lawyers.

But if parents want to have one calendar day when they bring in their child and show them how impressively boring their job is, then by all means, go for it. However, if you are one of those parents that bring your kid into the office like three times a month and have them sit up at your desk with you, I’m ashamed. I’d fire you on the spot if I were your boss.

You see, if Linda brings in her cute little eight year old Michael, it just gives me one more person I have to chit-chat with in the office. Plus, I’ll have ten different employees running up to my desk throughout today saying, “Oh my goodness, did you see that Linda brought in Michael??? He’s soooooo cute, I just love that kid!” The problem with kids is that a) all they do is ask stupid questions and b) if you act the least bit interesting they will cling to you like fabric softener, thus my latest exchange with Michael in the copier room…

Michael (making copies for some douchebag in Marketing probably): Hey, I’m Michael, what’s your name?

Me: Steve

Michael: What do you do Steve?

Me: I’m a mid-level IT technician.

Michael: Do you like it?

Me: It’s the best thing that’s ever happened to me.

Michael: Wow, do you make a lot of money?

Me: Enough to eat, pay rent, and occasionally take a girl out on a date that will somehow be a failure.

Michael: My mom always says that all men are pigs, is that true?

Me: Pretty much, except for Ron Jeremy, he’s a nice guy.

Michael: Who’s Ron Jeremy?

Me: Go ask your mother, I’m sure she knows.

Peddler,

While recently relieving myself at the corporate office, a Sr. VP joined me at the adjacent urinal. After exchanging the usual urinal pleasantries (standard head nod acknowledging presence, but no eye contract due to the obvious snake-in-the-hand situation). While I have a good relationship with this guy (he gave me quite possibly the best performance review in the history of reviews), I don't have the "I blacked out and made some hog stink this weekend" relationship I have with some other big wigs. Which brings me to my question; given the background, how do I react to a rip-roaring fart, one the lasted a good 4-5 seconds, with several tone and rythm changes?

Stan, LA

Stan,

Although I’ve touched on the bodily noises at work before, I had to post this email anyway because it was hysterical, and because it touches on proper work bathroom etiquette. I feel as though this is a tricky subject and since I’ve received a few emails regarding this, I must explain a bit further.

Despite the fact that I cannot be in any bathroom with another human being as it disgusts me, sometimes these things will just happen. When you gotta go, you gotta go. This is when rule one of bathroom etiquette comes into play…ANYTHING that goes on in the bathroom is allowed, and ultimately stays in the bathroom. Stan, you have to pretend that your VP’s flatulence never happened. You can’t giggle, can’t laugh, can’t look at him in disgust, can’t walk away, can’t make a joke, can’t turn your head, can’t change the subject, can’t cough, can’t hold your nose, and can’t look like you’re holding your breath. You can only pretend that nothing happened and remain doing your business at the urinal.

Have a great weekend people. And if you go to a bar where there is a cover charge for a terrible band, just tell the bouncer you’re eating there, and he’ll show you to the hostess for free. When the waitress comes to your table, tell her you’re not hungry anymore and stroll over to the dance floor to listen to terrible Fall Out Boy cover songs. Works every time…