The New Guy

Unfortunately for me, we have a new guy starting today. This will ultimately become a positive as he will be forced to take some of my workload, leaving me even more time to play online Scrabble, but this week is going to be hell. For the next five days this idiot is going to be shadowing me from 9am until 4pm, which basically means I have to pretend to do work or actually do work at all times. Ah, but who am I kidding, I'm just going to slack off even more to show him the true approach to handling this cruel beast we call 'Work'.

First off, this new guy Charles is going to be trying to make a great first impression on his inaugural day at the office. Because of this, he will be willing to help me out with anything I ask him to do. Which is why I'm able to write on this here site as we speak while Charles is grabbing me a coffee, the ultimate 'Bitch Move' in the corporate world. I hear him returning, I'll be back in a minute...

I just explained to Charles for about ten minutes that the new guy in the office has to retrieve the daily mail for the Project Leader (happens to be me for no reason whatsoever) until another new employee starts with our company. At first he chuckled a bit, thinking it was an amusing office quip directed at the newbie, and I returned his laugh with a harsh stare and a frustrated smirk. You gotta let these kids know you mean business, and let them know early. I then directed him to the mailroom with another task: Make copies of every piece of mail I receive, because I like to keep meticulous records. This should keep him busy for at least a half an hour. He's obviously not too bright since one look at my work space will tell you this isn't true, I'm not even sure what color my desk is anymore. Crap, he's coming back, I may have underestimated this one...

He keeps asking me questions about our products and services, and each time I answer with, "We'll get to that in a minute". I follow with a snappy joke...

Me: You know, if you were my boss, we could say you were Charles in Charge!
Charles not in charge: (thinking) If I were your boss, I would have fired you two hours ago for forcing employees to get your coffee. (saying) Ha, good one Steve.
Me: I know, I just came up with it. Pretty clever huh?
Charles not in charge: (thinking) Yea, I haven't ever heard that one before. I'm sure if I went by Charlie you would have mentioned how all the female employees at the office are my angels. (saying) You sure are on the ball this early on a Monday morning.
Me: This is when I shine my friend. If I were a stand-up comedian I'd have to find a comedy club that puts their headliners on at 10am on a weekday. I'm way funnier now than I am at 10pm on a Saturday.
Charles not in charge: (thinking) There is no way it is possible for you to be less funny. (saying) Oh come on, I bet you're the life of the party at all times.
Me: Ah Charlie, you're too kind. Whoa, if you went by Charlie we could say that all the female empl----- (Charles has gotten up from his seat and walked away)

Charlie returned moments later and asked if he would receive any formal training today. Is this kid a go-getter or what? I always thought an employees first day on the job meant coming in an hour late, filling out HR forms, getting taken out to lunch, and leaving at 2pm. Apparently big C wasn't having that. So I spent about seven and a half minutes guiding him through our companies website, and almost fell asleep twice during the process, being awoken by Charlie kicking my chair and then accusing him of bringing me decaf coffee on purpose in an attempt to get me in trouble for sleeping on the job. I guarantee the first thing he does when he gets home is visit monster.com. Time for an office tour...

We just returned from a three-hour tour (it took 20 minutes, but another classic TV reference for this guy) in which I introduced Charles to everyone in the office as my personal assistant, a joke he found reasonably humorous the first time, but annoying the next twelve times. Little does he know I have business cards being printed and shipped for him that read, 'Assistant to Steve, and only Steve'. I can't wait for him to get the mail that day. We went to the cafeteria for round two of coffee, and it just so happens I left my entire wallet at my desk. Whoops! Looks like Charlie is taking care of this one.

On returning to my desk we find that I have a new phone message, and it's from my biggest client looking for a proposal I was supposed to draw up last Friday. I give Charles a quick rundown on how to write proposals and send him back to his desk to work on it. The perplexed look on his face probably came from either a) not knowing what this proposal was about, b) the realization that I actually asked him to do my work even though he's only been working here 2.5 hours, c) the fact that I told him I needed it back within the hour, or d) wondering to himself why he didn't go to law school like his old man had wanted him to but instead studied computers with the hopes and dreams of once starting his own internet company that would ultimately fold anyway within the confines of a depleting market and strained economy.

I'm gonna go with C. Damn, here he comes again...