Getting to Know the Office Slang

Since there are a boatload of college graduates finishing their schooling this month and heading into the real world, I wanted to give you all an elementary tutorial on office jargon. You'll hear an abundance of technical terms when you begin your employment, and I'm here to help. So grab some index cards kiddo, and let's do this...

Orientation - A ridiculous program devised by the working force that will have you walk around the office like an idiot for anywhere from one day to two weeks, mainly spending time 'setting up your desk'.

Setting up your desk - What your boss will ask you to do on your first day. This involves stockpiling supplies from the mailroom and neatly organizing them on your workspace for an entire eight hour shift.
After three weeks I couldn't even see the top of my desk from all the random 'paperwork' I compiled, and I'm now on my 11th tape dispenser.

Paperwork - Your boss will give paperwork on a consistent basis, sometimes without any instructions on what to do with it. Do not be alarmed however, since most of the time he's just giving you 'busy work' and doesn't even expect it to be done. I have paperwork on my desk from nine months ago that I've never even looked at, and never plan to. The worst part is that all of the paperwork piled up on my desk gives me a constant feeling of guilt, which in turns forces me to drink heavily when I get out of the office, which then causes me not to do any work when I arrive hungover in the morning. It's a terrible cycle.

Busy Work - What your boss gives you to do when he has absolutely nothing planned, and wants you to be miserable. He feels as though if you're not completely busy the entire eight hours of the day, then he's not doing his job. My favorite type of busy work is drawing up 'proposals', since I can spend an entire day on one of these and yet somehow do nothing.

Proposals - What I say I'm 'drawing up' when I am surfing the internet, getting my seventh cup of coffee, gossiping with coworkers, or simply staring out the window of my cube dreaming of a world where I'm the boss, and the only busy work I make people do involves an office crossword puzzle tournament.

Drawing Up - This is what you should say whenever you want to sound important. Here's an example, I'll try and use all the words we've gone over while also giving you some new definitions..

Boss: Steve, what's up with that busy work I handed you today? Don't you remember your orientation; I need it by the COB (close of business)?
Me: Yea, I've been drawing up a proposal for our biggest client (someone you do work for but secretly despise), and I'm waiting to hear back from them so I can get the programs specs (i think this means specifics, but honestly I just say it because I think it sounds cool and I'm pretty sure no one else knows what it means).
Boss: Ok, well get yourself organized, we have some people from corporate (a terrible place where everyone is mean and judges based on
production) coming in this afternoon and I want the place to be in ship-shape (something older people say in the office to make them sound even older. I think it means to clean, but I'm not a janitor so I'm not sure why he's telling me to do this).
Me: Sounds good sir, I'll have the final copy on your desk within the hour, and then I'll set up my desk.
Boss: Set up your desk? You've been here 18 months and have severely depleted everything in our supply room, what else do you need to set up?
Me: Actually nothing, I just realized I hadn't used that term yet in the dialog and had to sneak it in before I dragged this column on too far.
Boss: Too late for that.

I hope this helps get you started. Tomorrow I will debrief (what the more important people in the office say they're doing when barking orders at the lower level people, but want them to feel important because they may have heard that word on '24') you on what the different departments in a standard company (a place where all your dreams and aspirations are stolen from you) do. Have a super day...