MAILBAG!!!

Lucky for you we are having a special Thursday Mailbag, which is mostly because I won't be posting tomorrow, so maybe lucky is the wrong word. Completely unrelated sidenote: If anyone tells you airline prices are going up because of the cost of gas, they're full of crap. Airplanes fly on jet fuel, which is mostly kerosene, and has nothing to do with the oil you put in your car. I'm convinced that airlines have been raising their prices because they think we're all dumbasses (I just learned the kerosene fact yesterday, so I'm part of that contingency).

Peddler,

I enjoy your posts about what games to play online, except at work I can't login to those sites. Are there any games you play at work that are not on the computer???

Kira, IL

Kira,

The Office did a pretty hysterical take on this exact subject a few years ago with their Office Olympics, but I've been playing a few games that they failed to mention. Obviously a great game if you have a decent table is paper football, but if someone catches you playing you'll probably get made fun of before you get in trouble. For some reason that game doesn't hold the same clout it used to. I think it's comparative to pencil fighting, which is another game I wish was still cool. In case you were wondering I was the all-time champion in fifth grade at pencil fighting, but it's only because I used performance enhancers: just get the bendier (not a word) pencils.

Anyway, for the game that I play often you'll need three things: A roll of tape, a mailroom or lunchroom with an adequate playing surface, and a lack of authority. Whenever our boss isn't around, we ship off into the mailroom and play what I call...Office Shuffleboard.

The rules are easy. First, grab a roll of scotch tape and take the tape out of the container.


Your next step will be to rope off two sides of the mailroom as you would if you were playing shuffleboard in a bar. I'm sure you've all seen it...

All you need to do is use blue or black masking tape to mark where the point lines are located on the floor, just make sure you do so to the side because putting them on the playing surface will throw off the tape's approach. Then you and your opponent alternate turns skidding the tape across the hard surface in an attempt to get into one of the scoring zones. Games go to 15.

Another great aspect of this game is as long as you're not in mid-throw when someone walks in, it can be construed that your posse is doing whatever the hell it is that people do in the mailroom.

Peddler,

I am hungover. And not like normal hungover. I am feeling like death. Please help me. Seriously. I'm considering quitting my job just so I can go home early.

Julie, IN

Julie,

Normally when I'm at the stage of being hungover where reading my computer monitor gives me the shakes and talking to anyone drives me to insanity, I'll try and think up an excuse to leave early. But if you really have to be at work then there are a few methods I can recommend to get you through the day. First off is your beverage of choice. Obviously you're going to need to buy one of those massive bottles of water you can find at a convenience store. You know, the ones that look like they could be used as a weapon of mass destruction. Secondly, ditch the coffee. As much as you want to drink coffee, it's just going to get you buzzed on caffeine for a few minutes and then you'll be right back where you started.

Instead, grab a few bags of green tea and some hot water, then let that puppy submerge. Drink as many cups of that as you can, and I guarantee that you'll feel good as new by 10am. I also like to take Vitamin C supplements immediately when I get to work as they thin out the blood and allow the water to pacify your system (completely made all of that up about the Vitamin C, but seriously it really does work, I just don't know how).

Of course, you could always go sleep in your car to diminish the pain.

Peddler,

I just received a job as a manager at my company. I always enjoy your rants concerning your hatred of management, but now that I'm in that role I was wondering if you had any advice on how I could do my job well, but also have my employees like me?

Chris, VA

Chris,

You have no chance. Once you become a manager it's your job for people not to like you. I don't abhor the management because of their personal flaws or delegating style, I just don't like the idea of the manager. Also, let me let you in on a little secret....Becoming a manager will make you a prick. The minute you realize that you're in charge of other people, as well as one step closer to having control of your company, you will gain a power that resembles when people in the Hobbit world had that ring on their finger (no way I just did a Lord of the Rings reference). It really is a shame, because I personally like the company of the majority of the managers I've had, but they are all pricks. I imagine that in college they were giving girls roofies and throwing eggs at cop cars, but now the only fun they have is shaving their back and watching Law and Order every night.

Here's the main advice I have for you. Don't act like you want to be friends with your employees, because you will never gain respect. The managers that are hated the most are the ones that always try to hang out and bond with their subordinates. I have enough friends (so to speak), I don't need you to kiss my ass. Act stern, responsible, and don't let anyone see you take any crap, and your employees will respect you. Other than that, you're screwed. Another thing, I do not condone giving girls roofies, I can't believe I said that earlier. I don't even know if that's how you spell roofies, which I feel would be information that one would know if they were a roofie giver, so get off my back.