Why I Could Never be a Criminal...

Each Tuesday I will be posting a short story of an event that has occurred in the office the past week that may be memorable, embarrassing, or offensive in nature. This event took place May 7th.

I walk into work today with a rare go-get-em spirit as I had not drank the night before, and was wearing my favorite Beatles tie. I waltzed through the office, intent to start the day on a high note, and my first stop was the cafeteria. Linda and Stan were seated at a table drinking coffee and discussing what I could only imagine was American Idol, because of how lame they are. I mention something about David Archuleta, and after receiving confused glares from both parties, quickly exited the lunch room.

When I reach my desk the first email I see is from Carter, a quiet reserved employee that sits two cubes away from me. The email states that he will be working from home for the day, which people here seem to do all the time, and is a move I need to start taking advantage of. Then I hear the noise that has haunted me since my first days with the company, Carter's fan. For some reason this idiot has a small fan situated on his desk, and keeps it running all day every day, even when he's out. I believe the fan might be from the early '80s, and makes a sound resembling a Killer Whale delivering a baby inside a volcano.

For some reason the continuous buzz from the fan immediately ruins my morning, to the point where I actually become vengeful. I walk into his cube and turn the fan off, which I don't think is a terrible thing to do as he is not in the office, and the fan is distracting to the rest of us. But then my deviant brain goes south, and I start to realize that just turning the fan off will only work for today, and tomorrow that damn humming will return. I have to get drastic.

I wait until lunch time when most people leave the office and I snag the desk fan from Carter's cube. I head back to my cube and with a screwdriver I grabbed from the front desk, unhinge the bottom portion of the fan. Inside there is an area where the power cord enters the blade area and I simply snip the wire with a pair of trusty scissors I stole from the mailroom. After screwing the fan back together I gently place it back on Carter's desk and revel in the great deed I have done for our organization.

The next day I arrive to work to find Carter tapping the top of his fan, cursing in disgust. The smile on my face was ear to ear that moment my friends, I couldn't imagine a happier feeling. I proceeded to my computer where I spent most of the morning scanning recipes.com to figure out how the hell to make an omelet without wanting to throw up after the first bite. But something is distracting me from my endeavors...The sound of a man tampering with a broken fan. I pretend as though I'm grabbing another coffee and while I walk by Carter's desk I see him unscrewing the bottom of the fan.

Now I feel as though most individuals would simply say, "Ah well, I've had this fan for 28 years and we've had some good memories. But it's time we put her down.". Not Carter. He refused to pull the plug on this appliance and I knew that he would soon see the snipped cord and start investigating. Still, I wore gloves yesterday, thus leaving no evidence, and my nervousness level was at an all-time low.

Until I remembered something terrifying. About a week after I started with our fine company, I heard the noise of his fan and walked to his desk to complain about not being able to hear myself think. Carter retorted with "I'm allowed to have a fan at my desk, just as you are allowed to talk on your cell phone with your friends for hours at a time in your cube about how crazy the night before was". Did he remember this conversation? And come to think of it, I had made it pretty clear to other coworkers on numerous occasions that the sound of the fan irked me. I'm in trouble.

The rest of the day I kept a fairly low profile, remaining at my desk the entire time. I figured, if I can just make it through today, I'm in the clear, and he will have a new noiseless fan here tomorrow. Then I heard footsteps. I can identify each employee in our company from their footsteps based on speed of walking, volume of step, stride length, currency in pockets, and breathing habits. I knew these footsteps approaching, they were that of Carter.

Carter: Steve, do you have a moment?
Me: Uhhhhh, maybe. Why?
Carter: My fan has broken. I was wondering if you knew anything about that.
Me: Well Carter, it's pretty old, probably just broke.
Carter: Did you know that tampering with a coworkers property can result in suspension and even termination?
Nerves are rattling, switching to the offensive...
Me: Are you accusing me of something?
Carter: Should I be?
Absolutely freaking out inside, but cool as ice on the outside. Time to play dumb...
Me: To be honest Carter, I have no idea what you're talking about.
Carter: When I realized my fan didn't work this morning I decided to open her up and see if I could fix it. I went to the front desk and asked Dorothy for a screwdriver. She responded with, "Why is everyone asking me for a screwdriver lately?". When I asked her who else, she said you did yesterday afternoon. Then I found the cord of the fan snipped when I opened it.
Completely busted, but hesitant to give up just yet. Only one more option...
Me: I did ask her for a screwdriver, but that's only because Stan was wondering where he could find one. I said I was headed up to the front desk and I would snag it for him. That's the last I saw of it. You might want to ask him.
Carter: Thank you for being honest, I apologize for accusing you.

I packed up my things and left the office about 45 minutes early since I knew $@%# was about to hit the fan, literally. Of course Carter accused Stan, who was more dumbfounded than usual, and probably returned to my desk to find me gone for the day. I returned the next morning to find a bill sitting on my desk for a new fan from Target. I cut the guy a check for half the amount, and told him we're even. He caused me a year of audible anguish, and I cost him a fan that doubles as an ambulance siren. We haven't been too friendly since...