Ah Revenge, my Only Friend...

It takes one person in your office to ruin your day. Usually that person asks you to perform a task that you know will be mundane and ultimately useless, and you have no choice but to listen. Nevertheless, you still act amicable to them in order to prevent feathers from being ruffled. Until it gets to be too much, and then you must resort to doing whatever it takes to get even, despite the consequences.

There is a lady in my office, in her mid-40's, named Sandy. She's a seemingly thoughtful woman until you realize that she is the back-stabbing, heartless, spawn of Satan. There is no reason for her to ever even talk to me since we work in completely different departments of our company, yet she is constantly in my area. I think this results from an episode early on in my career when I blatantly didn't hold the elevator door for her one afternoon. I was in a rush to get home, and if I held it open for her I'd have to do the same for everyone. Just take the stairs woman, you could use the exercise.

Since that day it's been a slippery slope with Sandy, going from bad to worse. At first, it was harmless. She would give me snide looks and spread rumors about me behind my back. That I could handle. But then, she started assigning me tasks for no reason whatsoever, some that required me to be in the office past 5:01pm, which is the worst crime someone can ever commit. Somehow this lady discovered my inner most fears and prayed on them, forcing me to disregard the high road, and get even my own way.

Yesterday morning I received a call from Sandy asking me to rush to her desk, as her computer had froze and she lost a document. I told her it would take me a while, even though this is not in my job description whatsoever, and she left her office to get some coffee. I fixed the problem in about eight seconds and then had a few minutes alone with her computer to completely sabotage her entire life. Ah, but I'm not that ruthless, and instead decided to make her suffer slow and painfully, without it affecting her career. Lucky her, she would have been fired by lunchtime.

Instead, I went to her Internet history and found her personal email address, which I copied down on a Post-it. I also snagged a business card off her desk where her personal cell phone number was listed. When I returned to my desk I went on to craigslist.com and created a post under the topic, Casual Encounters. It read as follows...

"Middle aged, married, full figured woman named Sandy looking for good times with a young strapping man. Must be able to lift 200 lbs over your head, and have the ability to hold your breath for at least two minutes. I will explain later. It will be the best night of your life, trust me. My direct cellphone number is below."

Is this a bit risky? Sure. Could this potentially get me fired? Yea, I guess. Do I care? Not even a little. The only problem with this plan is it only gives me the satisfaction of knowing that last night she probably received 10-50 calls from drunken men looking for a big-ass Sandy. In no way will this stop her from bossing me around for no reason, unless of course she takes one of these men up on their offer and lets loose some much needed steam. Maybe that's been her problem all along...

I'll keep you updated.