America's Birthday Should Last a Week...

Summer can be a difficult season for the office dweller, especially one that has been as nice as this years. You're stuck diddling away in your cube while just outside the window lies a pristine 80 degree sunny day. I've even been known to cry at my desk for hours at a time, but that actually has nothing to do with the weather.

Luckily for Americans, we're about to be the recipients of a three day weekend, thanks to July 4 falling on a Friday this year. It can be frustrating, as it was last year, when we had off work on Thursday, only to have to come back in on Friday, and then off again for the weekend. What a tease. It's like meeting a beautiful girl, falling in love, and then finding out she used to be a man. Actually, that analogy made no sense at all, my apologies.

Now even though this year has us all hyped up to relax for three straight days, some of us (maybe just me) would like even more. The problem with the three day weekend is that there is no detox period, and for the majority of us (maybe just me) the partying continues for 72 hours. This creates an absolute mess of an employee the first day back on the job, and since the goal here is to avoid getting fired, we must figure out a way to schedule the rest we need.

My favorite scheme to achieve the four day weekend is what I call the 'Victory Voicemail' (copyrighted term). When people in the office start talking about their plans for the upcoming weekend, tell them you have a wild trip you're taking to an exotic location, like Cleveland. Also make sure you mention how you're flying back Sunday night, which I would repeat constantly. When Sunday night rolls around, you pick up your cell phone and dial your bosses number. Make sure you're not too hammered when you call, but don't be sober either, as sometimes it's easier to lie with a nice buzz. Here's your monologue...

"Heeeeeey INSERT BOSS'S NAME. It's Sunday night around 8pm and I'm sitting here at Hopkins Airport in Cleveland (gotta do your research). You're not going to believe this but my flight was canceled due to an electric shortage in the planes hub. The lady at the desk just said we're lucky they caught it before takeoff, so I guess this is a blessing in disguise. Although, the only issue is that the next flight to D.C. doesn't take off until tomorrow at 1pm, which wouldn't put me into work until around 3pm. I'll call tomorrow (you won't) to talk to you in person. Hope you had a super great weekend!"

Saying you will be in at 3pm was obviously rubbish, since you will be sitting out by the pool at that time the next day, working on your base. It's almost too easy. Then when you come into work on Monday walk straight to your bosses office and apologize to no end, stressing that you tried to find a new flight, rent a car, and even hitchhike, but it was a lost cause. He'll buy it. And do all this while you're wearing the Cleveland Browns tie that you ordered on ebay last week.

"Check out my hip new tie Boss. Just picked it up on my trip this weekend. What a town!"