MAILBAG!!!

Hey readers, we are in the final stage of a four day week. This has got to be one of the greatest times of the year for anyone in this country working in an office setting. You have a four day week, it's the middle of the summer, and Will Smith has a movie coming out. Okay, so maybe it's not perfect. Let's shuffle through these emails...

Peddler,

Sometimes I need to use the restroom or go to the cafeteria and I don't want to talk to anyone on my way. How do you handle this situation?

Carl, DC

Carl,

Whenever I do anything in the office, my main attempt is to avoid dealing with anyone. This is the main reason I stay at my desk throughout the entire day. If I was allowed to put a mini-fridge, a Foreman grill, and a bedpan at my desk, I would probably never leave. I've actually tried to devise a way to sneak in and out of the office through the window by my cube, but I haven't finagled a way to get from the eighth floor to the ground level yet.

Whenever I need to exit the premises I make sure I grab a few pieces of paper from my desk that are completely useless. Then I scurry across my office floor pretending to read the pages, ignoring any and all requests for conversation from my colleagues...

Linda: Whoa, Steve, you're in quite the rush. Do you have a second?
Me: Mumble, mumble, mumble...keep walking at warp speed...
Linda: Ok, we'll talk later. He is such a go-getter!

Peddles,

Two women in my office were debating whether Wikipedia should be a trusted source, and as I use it to research pretty much everything I need to know, I was a bit concerned.

Leslie, PA

Les,

I've been a fan of Wiki since it's early conception, and have found it to be a wondrous place of privy information. Although each page can be edited by anyone with internet access, the site is monitored like a hawk from the various webmasters, who ensure it's ultimate quality. I've on many occasions attempted to add my friends names to random sites, or even create my own Wikipages to mock other friends, but to no avail. The pages are ultimately edited back to their original state, and I'm left with no friends.

Here's a great move I used at my last company, that may come of use to you. There was a junior level executive who we'll call Bob Smith that worked in marketing. Bob got a promotion because he's a brown noser and made sure that he threw his new found glory in everyones face. One night he threw himself an 'I Got a Promotion Happy Hour Party', where I noticed that the majority of my coworkers were also annoyed with his exploits. The next morning I did some research with my HR friends, found out what high school he attended, and then placed his name in the 'Famous Alumni' section of his schools Wikipedia page.

After sharing my prank with fellow Bob-haters, I walked into his new corner office and pretended to act like his greatest friend. I mentioned how I was surfing the Internet and randomly happened across his name on Wikipedia. Bob, in all his ruthless glory, immediately went to the web page of his boyhood school, and scanned down to see...

Notable Alumni:

Bob Smith -- Complete Douchebag

Although I was blamed for the whole thing, good ole' Bob had no proof and thus was stuck hating me behind his golden throne. My previous company has since gone out of business, and last I heard Bob was still busy being a Complete Douchebag.

Peddler,

The gym in my office building is great because it's free, but I just find it odd working out next to coworkers and upper management. Did you ever have these situations arise?

Mark, CO

Mark,

Each of my last two jobs had a gym on the first floor of the building. At first I thought I loved the convenience, as well as the fact that it saved me $50 a month from dropping my Gold's Gym account. Then one day the VP of my department walked out of the shower in his flesh suit while I was getting changed by the lockers. He walked up next to me and began a conversation that to this day I can't remember. All I was attempting to do was keep eye contact focused on the ceiling. Sadly, he could have been offering me a promotion and I would have had no idea.

Not that I'm uncomfortable with my sexuality, I just have a problem standing next to a naked sixty-year-old man that signs my paychecks. The whole thing seemed a bit off. A few days later I made a trip back to the gym and saw him on the treadmill. After my workout I actually bundled up my suit, stuffed it in my bag, and left the office wearing my t-shirt and gym shorts. No way was I about to take any chances. I actually haven't worked out since (this was two years ago), which might be the reason for these reoccurring chest pains...

Have a great Fourth of July weekend everyone. Try not to injure yourself playing with sparklers, those puppies can be dangerous.