MINI-MAILBAG!!!

Received this email last week, and though I enjoyed the question, I forgot to add it to the mailbag because I was half-drunk Thursday morning. Since there isn't much going on this fine Monday, I figured I'd answer it early. Or late. Whatever...


Peddler,

The girl two cubes over picks up her cell phone during work to berate her boyfriend and everyone in the cube cluster can hear her. She is now labeled "the one who wears the pants." Another male co-worker takes phone calls about the stuff he sells on eBay and is called "the Jew," despite being Asian. I've always avoided personal calls so I won't get a label. What's your take on picking up personal calls on your cell phone in the office?

Patrick, CA

Pat,

It sounds as though my office is in the same boat as yours when it comes to personal calls being taken at your desk. Despite how annoying they can be, the humor level is off the charts. I'm not sure if these people know they are sharing their entire lives with a group of ten bored coworkers, but I sure appreciate it. I have a few favorites in my office as well...

Ray - I have heard Ray playing online poker while sitting in his cube before, along with distraught moans and rare whispers of "YESSSSSSSS". And I mean rare. The guy must be the worst poker player alive because he's always banging his fist on his desk or saying, "You gotta be kidding me!!!" This leads to Ray receiving, on average, three phone calls a week from a creditor. You always know when one is calling from the beginning of the conversation...

Ray: Hello
Creditor: Saying something that I obviously can't hear
Ray: This isn't Ray, but he's around. Who may I tell him is calling?
Creditor: Probably answering with MasterCard
Ray: Ok, one minute...

Then Ray will put the phone on his desk and leave them on hold for a few minutes. I truly believe that Ray thinks he's shoving it to the Man when he does this. Of course, when he picks up the phone again he has to disguise his voice so they think the previous voice was that of his personal assistant. Ray is an interesting fellow.

He will go on to pay for the bare minimum balance with another credit card and then get into his brand new Mercedes convertible, drive to his three-story suburban home, and tell his wife that everything is on the up and up. One of these days, this guy's world is going to come crashing down around him. I just hope I'm there to witness it.

Stan - This cat gets so many calls during the day from his friends, you'd think he's running some sort of social networking site. I've never heard anything like it. His friends call him at like ten in the morning to talk about how incredible the night before was, and Stan will have the conversations at his desk. Also, every conversation ends with Stan hooking up with a gorgeous girl at the club who may or may not be a transvestite. I made that part up, but if you've seen some of the pictures of the ladies he hangs out with, you would have thought the same thing.

I look forward to grabbing a coffee in the morning and having this conversation with Linda...

Me: Hey, you hear that Stan hooked up last night?
Linda: Oh really?! What was his name?

Gets me every time.

The thing about the personal call in the cube is this: Whatever you're about to talk about can be heard by a large faction of your coworkers, and no matter which way you slice it, this is a bad thing. Personally, I'll only answer a few calls at my desk. For instance, my mother. Nothing bad can ever come about in a conversation with my mother, and I'll probably come across as a sweetheart to all the ladies in my office. Another call I'll take is any call from a friend after 4pm on a Friday afternoon, because this will probably be the most important call you will receive all week. If you miss it, there is a chance your friends will be planning something incredible for the weekend, and you are left in the dust.

For the most part, try to keep the personal calls down to a minimum, as they are annoying and no one really cares about your life. Unless your life happens to be incredibly bizarre, thus giving us ammo to make fun of you while we're at lunch and you are down $650 at Pokerstars.com.