You're Fired

Here at CBF our goal is to institute ways to go about working minimally while still remaining gainfully employed. However, sometimes people are going to get canned, and sometimes we are going to have to be the ones to do it. Firing someone is not an easy act, and usually results in the employee screaming and throwing objects to, even worse, crying. You will never see anything worse than a grown man crying in front of you, believe me.

Fired guy: NOOOOOOOOOOO, WHYYYYYYYYY…sob, sob, sob…You can’t dooooo this, ahhhhhhhhh.

Me: Listen, it’s not me doing this, it’s the system. We have to do cut-backs, I’m sorry. You’ll land on your feet.

Fired guy: You don’t understand, my kids are about to go to college. My wife is already on my case about a million different things, I know she’s gonna leave me…WHYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY.

Me: Your wife? The leggy brunette from the Christmas party?

Fired guy: Yes, my wife of 20 years.

Me: Look, this may not be the best timing or circumstance for this...but…If she does end up leaving you, would you mind if I gave her a call?

That was obviously an exaggerated situation, but one that could easily happen. You see, losing a job can have an uncontrollable effect on a grown man or woman, especially if there is a family or mortgage involved. So, how do you let this person down easily?

First rule that everyone already knows: Fire people on Fridays. They’re happy that the week is over anyway, and they’re less likely to make a scene. Second rule that most people don’t realize: Make them do as much work as possible before they leave. Most people kind of have a clue that they’re going to lose their jobs anyway, and they will be working double time the last few weeks of their employment. So take advantage, and throw everything you have at these idiots while you spend the afternoons on the golf course. And the third rule: Make sure you have adequate security in the building, or better yet, just outside the door. There is a substantial chance that some sort of violent behavior may be inflected onto you, be it man or woman that is getting snubbed. Best to be prepared.

My first job out of college was managing a mailroom for a large real estate company. After I had been working there three months my boss informed me that I had to fire a large 40-year old mail clerk that had been with the company for six years. I nearly shat myself. This guy had more tattoos then I had years to my life. The tires on his pick-up truck were larger than my 401K (that didn’t really make sense, but I’m keeping it).

For some reason I brought him into a room with no windows and a door with a lock. He immediately knew the gig was up for him. He started screaming every profanity he could think of, was slamming his fists so hard on the desk that he may have actually gotten a splinter, and he even started calling me racially ignited names.

The first thing he called me was ‘Damn Rich Kid’. At the time I wasn’t making enough money to gas up my car and had to ride a bike to work. I really resented him for calling me that actually. The second one was ‘Jew Boy’, which I found offensive to the Jewish faith but not to myself directly since I do not happen to practice that religion. I’m not really sure where he came up with that one. Apparently we weren’t as close as I had thought. The third one, and the most perplexing of all, was ‘F@#% Tard’. To this day, I’m not sure of the meaning of this term. I have done extensive research to find a definition, and even consulted Nobel Prize winners and Rhode Scholars alike. None have any clue. I’m going to go out on a limb and say it wasn’t a compliment, but hey, you never know.

The worst part of the entire situation is that about three months later I saw this gentleman at a Washington Nationals baseball game with his two kids, and he made eye contact with me. This wasn’t your regular eye contact either. He basically looked into my soul and said with his eyes, ‘If my kids weren’t with me right now I would slice your body open with this plastic fork and then use your insides as a topping on my newly purchased hot dog.’

Needless to say, I haven’t fired anyone since.