MAILBAG!!!

Going to have to get a bit personal here...Heading to Canton, OH this weekend for the enshrinement of the greatest cornerback of all time (Darrell Green) and the most underrated wide receiver of all time (Art Monk). I'm already in tears thinking about how many tears I'm going to shed. Hail Skins...

Peddler,

I have two people in my office that have just started secretly dating, and I'm the only one that knows. They make it really obvious and I hate being the guy that they tell everything to. Is there anything I can do to extinguish this situation?

Ronnie, MA

Ron,

This is why I hate office romances. Why can't these losers meet someone like everyone else does, at a bar or a strip club for instance. Unfortunately you are in a god awful position, and will be until the end of time. Remember in 'Cheers' when Sam Malone starts hooking up with Rebecca and only Woody knows what's going on. Slowly but surely everyone starts resenting Woody for harboring this secret even though he did nothing wrong. And then Edie asked him, "You know, I passed Norm Peterson on the stairs. He didn't give me the time of day", and Woody answered, "Oh, it's 3:15". Man, that was a great day.

Look Ron, you're screwed. At first you're going to hear stories from both parties about how great their lives are that they've finally found Mr/Mrs Right, and they may even divulge sexual details that will both disgust you and make you envious at the same time (I'm just assuming you haven't been laid in awhile Ron, my apologies if I'm wrong). This will seem annoying at the time, but the worst has only begun my friend. Eventually, like all romances, this one will die off quick and painful. These lovebirds will not only have to go through the rigmarole of boy meets girl, but they will also have to see each other in the office setting each and every day. This will lead to fights, believe me. And finally, this is where you come in.

Each of these distraught, sad, lonely, and desperate souls will come to you for support because you are the only idiot that took the time to care that they were getting together in the first place. So how do you combat this interesting dilemma? By not getting involved in the first place.

Whenever you see two coworkers flirting and engaging in sexually explicit office fun, make sure you cut off all friendships with them. If one of them just so happens to open up their new found love to you, tell them straight up, "I think you're making a mistake. Plus, I heard that the partner you're currently talking to has syphilis, and not the good syphilis, but the one that gives you hives You should probably stay away from them since the syph is actually contagious from general conversation." If that doesn't work then tell them that you've been hired by the company as a NARC to reduce the amount of office romancing. Trust me, being a NARC is 400 times better than dealing with a bad office break-up.

Peddler,

I've somehow managed to be the only person on my project team that received a promotion this past quarterly meeting, and although I'm grateful, I'm also worried about how my peers will perceive me now that I'm their boss. Thoughts?

Dawn, MI

Dawn,

First, let's get this out in the open. WHO CARES about your dumbass coworkers. If they were as smart as you, they would have gotten the promotion first. Instead they're stuck making copies while you boss them around and add to your already inflated ego. In all honestly, however, I'd make sure not to burn any bridges with your old peers. They will eventually move up in the company, and even though you were there first, their friendship may eventually come back to be a delightful addition.

Don't hang out with them too much (management usually doesn't like that), but don't completely ditch them either. Find a safe, happy medium at first and then milk their friendship for all it's worth in the upcoming months. Here's an example with one of your new employees/former friends...

Me: I can't believe how bad Marketing needs this report on their desk.

New Bitch: Really? What'd they say?

Me: Something about how I'll get canned if they don't get it by COB tomorrow. I wish I had never gotten this promotion, it's way too stressful. Who was on this report anyway?

New Bitch: Me actually.

Me: No kidding. Well I'll take the fall if it comes to that. It would have been great if you could have had it finished though.

New Bitch: Wow, I had no idea. I'll get started on it right now and it'll be done by tomorrow. I promise.

Me: Are you sure? This will probably be a scenario that involves you staying late and doing actual work.

New Bitch: Dude, no problem. Just buy me a drink afterwards.

Me: Wish I could but drinking with employees could get me fired. Just do your job and then send me the report when you're done so I can take all the credit while making you look like a moron.

New Bitch: What'd you say there, you kind of trailed off at the end.

Me: I said it's great to have employees that care so much about the company. I'm a lucky guy.

Again, milk everyone for all their worth and then take credit for everything they did. It's the American way.