If Keanu Reeves Can Do It....

Well, I'm sick. For now it just seems to be a head cold and a sore throat, but it still pretty much sucks. Most people in this situation would take the day off work, sleep until noon, and then watch TV the rest of the day. This is not the correct solution.

Whenever I am feeling a tad under the weather, I always make it to work right on time, ready to start the day. But once I enter the confines of that office, I start dropping my famous middle school acting skills. The first thing you must do is hideout at your desk for at least two hours. When people aren't feeling well in the wee hours of the morning, others will tend to assume it's because that individual is hungover. That we don't want.

Once 10am hits, your first stop is going to be the cafeteria. Grab a scolding hot cup of green tea, and on your way back to the office make sure you bump into someone from human resources. This is key. Let them see you drinking green tea (especially if you're usually an avid coffee drinker), and make your voice about three times as nasally as it normally is. When they ask if you're feeling okay, respond with something vague and despondent. I usually go with, 'I've been better'.

The next stop is your boss. While you're working, make up an excuse to go to his office to ask a question. Usually I'll pick something that I'm sure my boss already knows, that way they feel intelligent when they answer correctly. That's when you bring the coughing. Start slow, and say 'excuse me' after each round of heavy coughs. Bend forward when you make the cough, and if you're real good, grab onto a wall after you're done with your act. They will be utterly concerned.

By 11am your hope is that your boss and the aforementioned HR employee have crossed paths, with your name coming up in conversation. HR will most likely ask your boss to send you home, as they don't want to get sued, or get anyone else sick. Selfish bastards.

When your boss does approach your cube, have the following sitting on your desk.

-Box of kleenex
-Three packs of DayQuil
-A copy of the Doctors Book of Home Remedies II
-A glass of water (this is not to drink, but to dab your forehead with in order to look like you're sweating)
-Pepper shaker in case you need to sneeze (try to keep this hidden)
-One of those "feel good candles" that every woman puts on every table in her apartment.

And most of all, make your desk a disaster. Toss papers around everywhere, and keep complaining about how you can't find anything. Then, when the boss approaches your desk, you're on stage...

Boss: Hey Steve, why don't you take off for the day. You don't look too well.
Me: No way. We have that big project due next Friday, and there's still so much to do.
Boss: Steve, that's ten days away, and it's really not that much more work. I'd rather you go home and rest so you can feel better tomorrow.
Me: You're probably right. I should call a friend to pick me up, I shouldn't be driving in this condition.
Boss: Good thinking Steve. Call me if you need anything, and don't be ashamed to take off tomorrow too, if you're still under the weather.
Me: Thanks boss, I really appreciate this.

So there you have it. You just turned a head cold into a four day weekend. Now, take those DayQuils with water, call up your unemployed friends, and make a tee time for 9am the next day. Of course, I wouldn't suggest any of this if you haven't done any acting in the past. Personally, I was Macbeth in fifth grade, and played Wilbur from Charlotte's Web in sixth grade. Obviously, I have the experience of acting with a dying wife and a dying spider, so I can handle a little fake cold.

And what do you know, it's 10am on the dot...Time for my green tea.