Your Average Sports Fans....

With the NFL football season starting off tomorrow, I am dedicating this weeks posts to the office sports fan, and the humor that they often provide.

Today, I'm going to break down the different office sports fans that we've all gotten to know and love throughout our working life. You may recognize some of these individuals, you may not, and you may have some of your own that aren't on this list. That is because everyone treats their sports differently, which is what makes being a fan so wonderful.

The Die Hard -

Whatever the size of your office, there will always be a die hard NFL fan, and this is a good thing. When you walk in to work on a Monday you've already checked to see if their team won, because if they have you might be getting a free lunch. And if they haven't, the building might be burned down which means you get to go home early. It's a win/win. The greatest part about these guys (not leaving out you ladies, we'll get to you in a bit) is that no matter how dismal their team is, they still root for each game like it's the Superbowl. This, if you know anything about sports, is the epitome of a fan. One that doesn't give up on their team when the losses start adding up. That's why I respect these guys so much, because I am NOT one of them. I've already given up on the Redskins based on two preseason games.

The Scene Stealer -

There will usually be a few coworkers in your office that root for the same team as you. This gives you someone to talk with every week, as well as someone who will join you in talking trash to other coworkers. Unfortunately, this can also be a bad thing. Because I live in the D.C. area and also happen to be a Redskins fan, there is a chance that a good majority of the employees I work with will also root for the home team. And sometimes, one of these fans will be a scene stealer. This gentleman believes that he is the only true fan of the team he roots for, and often refers to them as 'My team', or 'My boys'. No one else in the office is even allowed to think they enjoy rooting for their team as much as this usually old crabby asshole, and it is incredibly obnoxious.

Last season I went to New York to watch the Redskins play the Giants, which was one of the great thrills of my sports life. When I returned, a few coworkers were gathering around my desk to ask me about my trip, and I knew it would be my only chance to throw it back in the scene stealers face...

Paul: Hey Steve, how was the trip?
Gene: Yea, and how was the Meadowlands, I've heard it's a terrible stadium?
Me: The stadium was great, it was the Giants fans that were crummy!
Gene & Paul: Hahaha
Scene Stealer: What's so funny?
Paul: Steve went to the Skins game in New York this weekend and then partied with Santana Moss at this club afterward.
Scene Stealer: Huh. Personally I enjoy watching the games at home so I can rewind my DVR in case I need to really get the feel of what just happened with my beloved Skins.
Me: But you have season tickets and go to every home game. Isn't that the same thing?
Scene Stealer: Sure, but I bring a mini-TV with me. Plus, our tailgates are so incredible, you guys have to stop by sometime, we take over the place!
Me: Oh, sorry guys, but I gotta go. Santana Moss is calling me about grabbing some lunch, so I should probably take this.
Scene Stealer: I used to caddy for Sonny Jurgenson in the off-season. Real nice guy, gave me an autographed gol-
Me (fake talking on my cellphone): Heeeey Santana, I'm sorry this guy won't leave my cube which makes it hard to hear. So, let's play some catch later this afternoon....

He ended up getting me back by going to the Superbowl and the ProBowl in Hawaii. He actually made a slideshow of both events and played it for everyone in the company at our annual ski trip. I hate these people...

Fan by Association -

This is when we start talking about women. There are two types of female sports fans in the office, one to be loved and one to be despised. This is the bad one of the two. In every office you will have a few women that are married to a Die Hard football fan, and the wife is forced to love the team also in order to have something to talk to her husband about. It's really quite sad. Anyway, the woman then takes her new found love for this team into work, deciding that she'll talk football with the guys in the office as a way to bond with her peers. The only problem being that for some cosmic reason the team that this woman's hubby roots for always ends up being freaking incredible. Last season I had to hear the same thing every Monday morning from this woman. "Oh my, did you guys see my Patriots throw the ball yesterday!? I can't believe how many scores we got, apparently we have the best team!!!"

This went on until the Superbowl of course, when she came into the office the next Monday with a black eye and a broken left wrist from 'falling on the ice'. My ass. I almost called social services myself.

The Die Hard Lady -

There are a few women working in your office that are genuinly in love with their favorite team. In fact, there are even a few that know more about your team than you do, and they don't even root for your team. They grew up in a football household, and have stayed with the game throughout their lives. Most men will say, 'I don't want to date a woman that loves sports. Sports are my thing, and I want to keep that seperate from my love life'. These guys are idiots. What I wouldn't give to date a woman I can argue pass interference penalties with, instead of arguing about whose fault our friends Cindy and Rick's breakup was. What I wouldn't give to have a woman massage my back while updating me on fantasy stats at the same time. What I wouldn't give to go to a football game with a girlfriend who promises that every time our team scores, I get to score. These are my dreams...

There are a few more office fans that I'm sure you know and love, but this post is turning into War and Peace, and we still have two more days of NFL previewing to go. Enjoy your humpday...