The Cut-Backs have Begun...

It's official, our company is hitting the brakes. Not long after promising that everyones job is safe, the higher-up's have began to layoff hard working Americans left and right. This is something we've all expected for some time now, but it's surprising nonetheless. Of course, there are positives to being laid off that most people don't focus on. You usually get paid some insane amount of money for a pretty decent period of time, which will provide you with the means to vacation your ass off. Also, you can collect unemployment (more on that tomorrow). Of course, if you don't plan correctly you could be out of money by Christmas, but I'm not even sure that printed money works anymore. We may be on a whole new currency by now.

The victims in our office's cutbacks are obviously a bit downtrodden, but they were all pretty worthless in my opinion. I hate giving props to the management of our company, but if I had to let three people go, these are the exact three I would have selected. Scratch that, I would have thrown myself in the pile as well, considering I know how little I do on a daily basis. Here are the aforementioned, newly unemployed bed-wetters.

Rick - Not a bad guy, but he would never really speak unless spoken to. Plus, he's been here almost two years and still asks me a few questions a day about routine, arduous work. I'm pretty sure that he asks questions just to strike up a conversation, but I don't really have the time to chit-chat about how to spell check using Microsoft Word. He seems a bit fragile, but if my assumptions are correct, I think he'll land on his feet soon (except not for a Fortune 500 company with outstanding benefits).

Odds of Crying: 4/1 - It'll definitely happen in his car on the way home, but I'm quietly pulling for some tears while he's packing up his desk today.

Next Job Prediction: Information desk at a Barnes and Noble. He's always reading huge books with dragons on them, so I assume that after he can't find another IT job, he'll resort to working somewhere that will feed his hobbies.

Length of Employment at New Job: Three weeks. I don't think he realizes that by working at an Information Desk in a bookstore his main job will be to answer questions, not ask them. This could throw him off a bit.

Kristie - I'm not even sure what the hell this woman did here, but I do know she loved to talk about Dancing with the Stars in the break room. And it's not like she was talking to anyone specific that also watched the show, but she would simply talk to everyone. I once had to tell her that I think combining D-List celebrities with prime-time television and dancing sounds like the equation to unlock the gates of hell, and she took it rather hard.

Odds of Crying: Less than the odds of her crying when (insert her favorite douchebag celebrity here) gets kicked off of DWTS next week. I swear, she could be starving, living in a box on the corner of Mass & 14th and she'd still find a way to care about that damn show.

Next Job Prediction: Nail salon. She needs to be working in a place where she can have lengthy conversations with other women about things that don't matter at all.

Length of Employment at New Job: 32 years. I think she's really going to fit in there.

Paul - In all of my work experience, he's the only coworker I've been genuinely afraid of. He always seems like he's about to crack at the seams and go completely off the wall for no reason. I usually walk the long way to my desk everyday, because I figure the less that he sees me, the less likely he is to kill me. When I heard that he was let go this morning, my first instinct was to fake an illness and get the hell out of the building. I don't want to be around for the wrath. But I'm no wuss, and was also too eager to see Rick cry like a baby. Of course, looking back on it, I wish I had left. When I ventured to the bathroom five minutes later, guess who was washing their hands...

Paul: Oh, hey Steve. Did you hear the news?
Me: Yea, I'm sorry Paul. You'll be missed good buddy.
Paul: Um, my name is Brian.
Me: You're kidding? All this time I thought it was Paul for some reason.
Brian: No, always been Brian. Maybe that's because you've always avoided me.
Me: Dude, not true. I'm just really busy is all.
Brian: Sure man. Anyway, it was a blessing in disguise. I just got a job in Chicago working for Playboy.
Me: Say what now?
Brian: My uncle is an accountant there and got me a job last week. I was going to put in my two weeks tomorrow, but now I'm just going to take the huge payout they're giving me here and use it to buy a condo somewhere in Lincoln Park.
Me: Wait, you don't seem all that crazy?
Brian: I'm not. You've never even talked to me.
Me: Damn, that was stupid.

Odds of Crying: I'm going to go with zero. Unless he cries when he shows up to the Playboy mansion, which is hard to blame him for.

Next Job Prediction: Screw you Paul. Sorry, I mean screw you Brian.

Length of Employment at New Job: I'm hoping the rest of his life because while he was leaving the office I tracked him down and gave him a copy of my resume. Odds are that he tore it up upon leaving the parking garage, but you never know. Hopefully I receive a call in the next few weeks asking me to fly out to the windy city for an interview. Everyone has a dream job...