Debate Time: The Last Day

We have an employee leaving us this afternoon, and it will be on his own terms. He's been with the company for 22 years and is quitting to sail the world or some other odd adventure. Normally this type of thing wouldn't effect my day in the least, but it turns out we get a free lunch and a happy hour out of it. Catered food and free drinks? I wish this guy would quit more often. Anyway, that got me to thinking. Which type of job terminations do you prefer...when someone quits, or when someone is fired? Let's debate...

The Quitter

Pro's:

-When a coworker quits their job with a reasonable excuse or after a long term of employment, there will no doubt be some sort of celebration involved. Society always wants to let people know that they are going to miss them no matter what the situation. That's why we have funerals.

-These celebrations can often times be a raucous affair, especially if booze is involved. The last job I quit involved me, my boss, and the president of the company at a strip club until 3am. I don't remember the last two hours, but I woke up with a sore pelvis and some sort of tassel stuck to my neck.

-Everyone is usually in a good mood when someone quits on their own accord. The office may have a sad sense to it, but it's the type of sad you get when your buddy dumps his girlfriend, who you just happen to despise. "You're moving on to big and better things, congratulations."

-There may be a chance for a job opening. If that is the case, start doing reconnaissance work the day you hear an employee is quitting. Find out the last day of their employment, start buffing up your resume, and tell everyone else in the office that they're hiring from outside the company for the new opening. Then, when you get the job, fire everybody and start from scratch.

Cons:

-When someone quits to do something else, I personally always feel resentful towards them in that, 'what are you, better then me' type of way. What makes this gal so great that she can get up and quit while I'm stuck here fiddling around in this meeting. Oh, you're moving to New York City, you must be soooo cool. Blow me.

-You have to put up with the now ex-employee making his or her rounds. This is the worst. Everytime someone quits they have to make this grand exit that involves interrupting everyone for at least five minutes to give hugs and wish happiness. The worst part is my cube is situated in the back of the office, which means I'm usually the last to get approached. This is a negative situation because I have to hear this moron go to every other cube, explain why he's quitting, give full details of what he's doing with his life, and then get emotional. And even though I've heard them say it twelve times already, I still have to act like I care...

Bob: Steve, I'm outta here. Heading out as we speak.
Steve: No way Bob, that sucks. It's been such a pleasure working with you.
Bob: Yea, I just wasn't feeling it too much anymore, and I have some new opportunities.
Steve: Let me guess, you're quitting because you want to pursue your dream of being an artist.
Bob: Wow, how'd you know that?
Steve: I'm good Bob. Although you still love the company and hope to return and say hello any chance you get.
Bob: Well of course.
Steve: But that will be tough because you are moving to Paris in three weeks, and have no plans on returning.
Bob: Yea, did you read my blog or something?
Steve: Also, you went to a strip club last weekend to celebrate your birthday, and you saw your eldest daughter working the pole. She's now in a reform school in Connecticut, and you've pretty much lost all communication with her.
Bob: Now wait a second, I haven't told a single soul about that.
Steve: Bob, I told you. I'm good.


The Firing

Pro's:

-Obviously the biggest upside of someone else getting fired is the scene that could potentially be caused. If the employee really screwed up bad, you have a chance to witness public screaming and perhaps a security guard beating them up with a billy club. I've never seen this in my day, but I've heard stories.

-Usually when someone is fired you never hear from them or speak to them again. And when it comes to work people, this is always a good thing.

-I like watching someone get escorted out of the building by security because the company is afraid they will try and steal something on their way out. What a lack of trust these people have. Sometimes I'll take pictures of the guard and the newly unemployed jerkoff walking down the hall, sullen as a two dollar whore.

-If someone gets fired, it usually means it's Friday.

-If someone gets fired it means that either a) another employee was doing less or worse work then me, or b) this company has no idea how little the amount of work I'm actually doing. Both reasons will help me sleep at night.

Con's:

-I racked my brain for about twenty minutes and couldn't come up with a negative aspect of a coworker getting fired. If someone gets canned, they probably deserved it, and it means I may be promoted in the long run. The only seemingly negative outcome I could imagine was if the coworker was on my project team, and their firing meant my workload would increase. That is definitely a con.

-Oh yea, and no happy hour. For some reason, if someone gets fired, it's hard for the company to celebrate the fact that they ever worked here. You're only as good as your last at-bat, as they say.

After debating which is worse, I think it's obvious that I would rather see a coworker get fired then quit. I know it sounds morose, but business is a cutthroat type of industry, and you have to take what you can get when you can get it. But I will say this...If I ever get fired I will not only make a scene all over the office, but I will also make sure HR plans the most kickass happy hour on the east coast. I want to cuss out my bosses, and then share a margarita with them afterwards. That's my dream...