Firing in the News

There are certain mistakes you can make in the workplace that will get you fired at the drop of a hat. Stealing money is the first one that comes to mind, as it usually leads to not only an expulsion, but an arrest as well. Cussing out your boss is also a big no-no, even when it is viably warranted. And finally, having sex with another employee in your place of work, and getting caught doing it. That can sometimes lead to a stern meeting with HR.

This brings us to our ding-bats of the day. You'd think it would be hard to find a story each week for our Firing in the News articles. But honestly, I could dedicate an entire site to the moronic average American worker that gets fired for performing some irrational or illegal act. It should honestly be a reality show, I would sure as hell watch.

Today we bring you Steven Chalem and Veronica Miranda, two bright young minds that were employed at a Neiman Marcus in suburban Chicago. On two occasions in the past few weeks they decided to have sex somewhere in the store, and have been dutifully fired for doing so. Now, I'm sure this act has been committed in just about every office building, gas station, department store, book store, Disney store, Victoria's Secret, Chuck E. Cheeses, bank, hospital, diner, Applebee's, sex toy store, and post office in the country. That would lead to my first question. How were these two individuals so ignorant that they got caught? Ah, it seems there's an answer...

Apparently, according to the defendants, their manager videotaped the sex act and reported it to the company. Well, not after showing the video to friends and coworkers of course. I mean come on, you can't expect him not to make a freaking copy at least. Anyway, because they were fired they are now sueing the manager for, and I quote, 'violation of Illinois' eavesdropping statute, emotional distress and other complaints'. We'll get back to that.

Here's where my curiousity kicks in. First of all, if he actually did intentionally videotape it, then how did he know when and where they were going to have sex? Secondly, how did the defendants know he purposly hid a videocamera? The whole thing seems like a sick, upscale department store type of sex ring. This kind of thing would never happen at Sears.

Sears employee #1: Hey, you wanna go have sex?
Sears employee #2: Uh, yea. Let's do it in dressing room three.
Sears employee #1: I was thinking we should just do it in the hardware department. There's tons of different tools we could use.
Sears employee #2: Good thinking. I'll go ask our manager if it's okay. Hey Doug, do you mind if we go have sex in hardware?
Doug: Sure, no problem. Just remember to use protection. I recommend a hardhat.

Now, if I were caught having sex in my place of business, I'm pretty sure I wouldn't throw my arms up in protest. First of all, I would have nothing to be ashamed of since I went out with a bang (zinger of the month?). Secondly, as this article proves, it's just going to lead to more publicity if you decide to accuse your company of spying on your deviant acts. If I were fired for sexing it up behind the perfume counter, I would just tell people I quit and apply for a job at Nordstroms. But when you make it a legal case, every newspaper in the world suddenly has your name tattooed on their 'funny news segment' section, and you're the laughing stock of America.

Look Steven and Veronica. You two had sex in a Neiman Marcus, where you happen to be employed. Even if your manager is some sick perverted sex offender, you've still committed an act that I'm sure is against the company credo. Go collect unemployment and apply to the nearest Macy's before your reputation is all beyond repair. And next time, find your car in the parking lot and have all the fun you want. And if your manager has a videotape hidden there as well, then it's your own damn fault.