MAILBAG!!!

It's been a fun week, let's get to the emails...

Peddler,

A coworker of mine brought his wife into work the other day. I'm sure you have an opinion on this, and I was wondering what it was.

Pete, MD

Pete,

I've seen this act time and time again, and I've never been a big fan. It's one thing if you bring your kid into the office because you want to show him or her where you make your money, but bringing in a spouse is an unarguable no-no. The main reason a spouse wants to enter the domains of their lovers office is to see what all the hype is about. If you're married, you go home every night and bitch to your significant other about the tribulations of every day work life, mainly because your spouse is there to reconcile. However, after awhile the opposing entity of your marriage realizes that they'd like to meet face to face with the culprits, and you are stuck having to invite them into your work world.

This usually leads to terribleness. Take last summer for example, when Gene decided to bring his wife into the office to see what he does for a living. Unfortunately, I was stuck in the coffee shop for three hours with her....

Gene's Wife: Hi, I'm Gene's wife. And you are?
Me: I'm Steve, a random coworker.
Gene's Wife: Oh, I've heard a lot about you. My husband says you're quite the go-getter.
Me: I'm not sure what that means, but I'll take your word for it.
Gene's Wife: You're the young guy he always goes to happy hour with. Why do you love going to Chili's every other night? That place seems like a dull place for a man of your age.
Me: I wouldn't step foot in a Chili's if the waitresses were dressed solely in jalapeno peppers.
Gene's Wife: I'm confused. Gene said that the two of you go there for happy hour a few times a week, and that's why he misses dinner every so often.
Me: Honestly, I have no idea what you're talking about. I try and hang out with work people as little as possible.
Gene's Wife: Oh dear, do you think he was lying to me?
Me: Sounds like it.

Looking back on the situation I should have probably had Gene's back, but I slipped up. Nevertheless, he's now going through a tough divorce that will more then likely end up allowing him to meet new women and move on with his life. If anything, I think I've done him a favor.

Peddler,

My son used to be such a sweet boy, and recently that has all changed. He received a job where he is making a ton of money and now he thinks he's the cat's pajamas. Every time he comes home for dinner he talks about his conquests and blasts techno music throughout our house speakers. It's infuriating.

Lois, NJ

Dear Lois,

I've seen this a million times. I'm guessing that in high school your son was a nice boy, perhaps even a virgin, and then he went to college and grew an ego. Now he has a high paying job with actual responsibility and it's gone to his head. This is easily curable, believe me. The key is to match him up with a woman that is way to good for him, although he won't realize it at the time. If I were you I'd set him up with a dancer for a local NBA basketball team, a woman that is physically and emotionally out of his league.

At first he'll think he's running the show because he has court side seats and dates the closest thing to a stripper you can find. But eventually he will realize that the woman owns him and he will come back to Earth. That is when you make a lunch date with this beautiful woman and convince her to break up with your son because he wet his bed until sophmore year of high school. Soon enough, he'll be crying on your shoulder and you'll have your son back the way he once was. I wish this were common knowledge, but the fact remains that boys will be boys, and you have a to do whatever it takes to put them in line.

Peddles,

I am a Cowboys fan, and considering my team just lost to the Cardinals, I am a bit downtrodden. Now it turns out that half my team isn't even playing, including Tony Romo. Is all hope lost????

Robbie, VA

Robbie,

Look, I'm not a fantasy football guru, so I'm not even going to answer your question. Instead, I'm going to talk about something completely unrelated to everything.

I've always been in awe, since I was a child, that society takes certain things for granted. One of the things I feel we neglect is the overpopulation of squirrels in this country. We don't always realize that these are wild animals that are prouncing around our suburban areas willy nilly, and seeing one of these critters doesn't even surprise us anymore. Now imagine if instead of squirrels, nature deemed a different animal in this country instead. For this instance, let's imagine that lions were the norm.

If for every squirrel you saw scurrying up a tree, it was a lion just chilling outside your driveway. How freaking awesome would that be? We'd have to peek out our windows every morning on the way to the car to make sure the king of the jungle wasn't perched behind our Dodge Stratus. Then we'd make a sprint to the front seat, lock the door, and floor it to our lame ass job in Reston. It would make life that much more interesting.

You want to go to a bar on random Tuesday? Not so fast. First you think to yourself, 'I can't wait to meet up with this girl, I really think she likes me'. You get half way there when suddenly, right in front of you, a beast with fangs is standing on the sidewalk.


Holy crap, it's a lion. What would you do, honestly? First off, I'd make sure someone a bit overweight was close by, because when someone else is near you don't have to outrun the lion, you just have to outrun the other person. This country probably wouldn't be in the turmoil it's currently in if lions would substitute their place in nature with squirrels, because we'd be so on guard most of the time. Every day would be a challenge to keep yourself alive in the world of lions, and that in itself would keep the governmental bodies on edge enough to run the country properly.

Just a thought. Enjoy your weekends bitches...