Part-Time Employment

Let's continue focusing on unemployment this week, by figuring out what you should do if it just so happens that you get canned. Even if you haven't been laid off recently, that possibility still exists, and you must prepare accordingly. For the average American, one must take weeks or even months of extensive research to find the perfect job. This can often cost the most frugal of us to delve into our savings, or even worse, build up a substantial amount of debt. To avoid such scenarios, sometimes a part-time job must be found in order to gather a few extra bucks. When it comes to part-time work most of it is either degrading, not enough money, terrible hours, or a combination of all three. There is also a great chance you're not going to receive any medical benefits, which can be costly to purchase off the street (although I know a guy).

I've broken down a few of the most popular options one has when choosing a new part-time occupation, and based them on four different variables.

Waiter/Bartender --

Chance of Employment: Reasonably easy. If you worked in the food industry at any time in your life, you're almost assured of getting a job. No matter how terrible the economy is, people always need to eat, and they enjoy eating more when someone is serving them as their own personal butler.

Degrading Scale: As I just said, you're a butler/maid. I've worked many jobs in the food industry, and despite the positives, you always feel like your somebody's bitch. I hate when some slick dude on a first date tries to impress his woman by treating the help like shit by saying things like, "I asked for no lemon in my water you dumbass", or "can you get me a clean spoon so I can fix my hair without walking all the way to the bathroom", or "stop grabbing my girlfriends thigh you sick pervert, where is your manager". Customers can be so rude.

Money: Pretty sweet. Strippers might make more, which is crap since it's much easier to give a lap dance than it is to carry four martini's on a single tray. At least with the lap dance you can close your eyes and imagine you're somewhere else.

Hours: Terrible. You're normally going to work nights and weekends which will completely ruin your social life. Once you start working and realize this, then you will immediately make friends with other people in the restaurant industry, just so you can have someone to hang out with. A few weeks later you're blackout in a buddies house at 5am on a Tuesday night wondering where your life went wrong, and why your family paid for that college education.

Overall Rating: 7.4

Retail (anything in a mall really) --

Chance of Employment: Pretty much guaranteed. I once worked at a bookstore after college for a few weeks, and I don't think I even applied. I walked in, bought a book, and the guy offered me a job. The next thing I knew I was stealing magazines and switching price tags on books just to screw with the management. My employment didn't last very long.

Degrading Scale: Not good. Even though it's easy work and you'll pretty much coast by while making minimum wage, you're not going to feel good about yourself, believe me. One day you'll be working the counter at Brookstone's and an college buddy will stroll in looking for a massage chair for his father-in-laws birthday. You'll have an awkward 'great to see you' conversation that is followed by the old pal calling your fraternity brothers to mock your current job status. Then you'll throw an ipod speaker into the back of his head and break his leg with a soothing clock radio.

Money: Eh, you could do better. You're taking this job for hell of it, not for the money. Don't buy anything that involves a loan or investors, because you won't be able to pay anything back for a long time. Also, you should probably steal from your employer if they're a national chain, just so you can make ends meat.

Hours: Pretty sweet. Most malls close around 9pm, leaving you plenty of time to get completely bombed and make it back to the store when it opens at 10am the next day.

Overall Rating: 6.3

Drug Dealer --

Chance of Employment: I'm not really sure, but I feel like they're everywhere.

Degrading Scale: If anyone you know finds out, then you're screwed. If you can manage to keep it a secret by lying to everyone you know about what you do, then you should be fine.

Money: From what I've heard, pretty nice. Although, you also take the chances of being put in jail for many years.

Hours: If you're good at it, only a few a week. If you're not, then you'll be working 24 hours a day sleeping in a cell with another man. Risk = reward.

Overall Rating: 8.3 (the money aspect sounds pretty sweet)

Substitute Teacher --

Chance of Employment: As long as you have a college degree and no felonies on your record, then you are a candidate. Unfortunately in this country, that only leaves like 8% of the population.

Degrading Scale: Not too bad. You're helping out today's youth, which might not actually be a good thing. I remember how I used to treat substitutes back in my day, and I only assume it's gotten worse.

Money: I think most schools pay around $100 a day, which isn't terribly awful for a part-time job. Of course, you get no benefits and have to deal with bratty kids all day that may or may not be hot high school girls (I probably shouldn't have written that).

Hours: Amazing. Subs only work when they are called in, and they don't have to work at all in the summer or any holiday that is observed by a country that is part of NATO.

Overall Rating: 6.2

Panhandler --

Chance of Employment: Ridiculously easy. All you have to do is grab a cup full of coins and sit on a street with a good amount of foot traffic. It's easier if you have a talent such as guitar, harmonica, or a beat up old pet dog.

Degrading Scale: Not too hot. You're basically at the bottom of the totem pole on this one, and if that hottie you had a crush on in high school sees you bumming for whiskey money on the side of the road, she probably won't sleep with you at the next reunion. Also, people might spit on you.

Money: I've heard that some of these chaps make up to $80,000 a year, which seems ridiculous, plus they're not paying taxes either. Also, you get to collect unemployment while eating most of your meals at soup kitchens. Seems kinda swank if you ask me.

Hours: This is like owning your own business, so you pretty much make your own hours. Also, working consists of sitting down next to an empty hat, so it's not like you're putting in too much effort anyway.

Overall Rating: 7.6

So it looks like the two best jobs, according to my scientific system, are drug dealer and panhandler. Doesn't seem fair, does it? Sadly, this is probably why our country has issues with drugs, overpopulation of prisons, and high rates of unemployment. At least you know where to find me if I get fired from my job...living on the street selling uppers.