I know a good amount of people that are either unemployed, looking to be unemployed, or wishing they were unemployed. Of these people, exactly zero collect unemployment, and I'm not sure why. Currently, a portion of our tax dollars go to feeding the recently fired demographic of this country by giving them around $300 every month. Unless you're a complete moron, how are you not taking advantage of this?
Personally I've never really been one to steal funds from a government organization, but if they're going to throw it all out on the line, why not take advantage? It's common sense really. I recently had lunch with my 94-year old grandmother, who had a lot of information to add on the situation. She explained that, back in her day, people would take their unemployment checks and spend them on new vacuums. She then explained that no one actually did this except her, and she only did it because she had a crush on the door-to-door vacuum salesman. She also mentioned that the guy gave her a 'discount', which is when I left the room and threw up in the hallway of her retirement home.
Seriously, Nana...
Anyway, it turns out if you live in the great state of Rhode Island, unemployment is even easier to obtain. First of all, everything can be done over the phone. You don't have to walk your ass down to the unemployment office, you don't have to explain what jobs you've been applied for, and you don't even have to wear a godforsaken tie. All you have to do is own a cellphone. That's right, a single call to the unemployment office and you're basking in the great realm of making money without doing anything.
What they don't have in size, they make up for with free money...Normally I would be upset by this information, but it's Rhode Island, and I'm pretty sure this one positive outweighs all the negatives (no offense to people who live there, I'm sure the place is swell). I'm betting that half of the state hates their lives, and the other half wishes they lived in Connecticut, unless of course you're unemployed. The maximum amount of money you can pull from unemployment in that state is $528 a week. Are you kidding me? That's almost a $30,000 a year salary. I'm not sure I could live on that, but I could definitely use that as a supplemental income while I spend my time making money illegally. Or I would just take a trip to Atlantic City every week, put $528 on black, and either have a great week or a shitty week. What a way to live.
Also, the state gives you two options on how to collect this free money. You can either a) have the money deposited directly into your checking account or b) have the payments loaded onto a temporary credit card. That's a tough decision. Personally I'd rather have them send three hookers to my house every Tuesday morning. At least that way I don't have to think about the free money.
I decided that yesterday morning I would see what happens if I apply for unemployment in Rhode Island, even though I've never actually stepped foot anywhere near there. Personally, I think I was pretty close to being hooked with one of those money unemployment Mastercards, but alas, some lady caught on to my little ruse. Apparently ripping off the Rhode Island state government is harder than I expected, but I refuse to give up. I just applied online for a drivers license and I had my car registered there. They think they can push me away, but I'm getting that $528, just you wait...
Let's go Rays...
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