At Least I Wasn't Dreaming About Scarlett Johannson...

What is it with coworkers and telling me stories of their personal lives, despite my obvious lack of interest? I sit there and pretend to listen to the tales of their children, their love life, and their lives in general with a blank stare and meaningless response, yet they continue to talk to me. Maybe I'm alone. Maybe everyone enjoys sharing stories of how they took their kids to see 'High School Musical 3' this weekend, or how they recently went to their ten year high school reunion and made out with their old homecoming date in the back of an Acura. But when I go to work I'd like to sit at my desk, surf the Internet, and watch the clock tick away. And it gets especially obnoxious when these tales are integrated into regular work situations.

Recently a coworker of mine decided to share her weekend saga of Go-Karting with her son and daughter during a conference call. At first I let out a frustrated groan that went unnoticed, but figured the discussion would end soon so I kept my mouth shut. Unfortunately this was not the case. Dorothy's story went on for ten minutes while the rest of us were stuck in a cramped conference room, forced to listen to this never ending saga. So, I did what I used to do during my days in high school and college: I stopped paying attention. It was amazing how easily I channeled my inner 'Physics 101" skill of daydreaming about what I would do if won the lottery, or how my first date with Marisa Tomei would pan out.

Apparently, I was a bit rusty. The daydreaming lasted a bit too long and I missed the first five minutes of the actual conference call, which was somewhat important to my job. To everyone else in the room I looked as if I was concentrating on the tasks at hand, but mentally I was walking Marisa Tomei back to her apartment after a wonderful meal accompanied by a fine Cabernet. Then I heard my name from one of our corporate affilates over the phone.

Mike: Steve, do you have either of those proposals with you now?

Whoa, was that my name? Why was Dorothy mentioning me and the proposals during a story of her family Go-Kart trip? Was I at the track with them? What did I do this weekend come to think of it? Why isn't Marisa asking me up to her place for coffee?

Me: Excuse me?
Mike: The proposals we're talking about, do you have those two?
Me: Which two? I brought about ten with me.
Mike: The two we've been talking about the past five minutes.
Boss: (whispering) Are you okay?

It took me a few seconds to realize that I may have been focusing my thoughts elsewhere for a few minutes too long, and I quickly attempted to correct the issue.

Me: I'm sorry Mike, I was busy reading through these notes and missed the two proposals you're speaking of. Do you mind repeating what companies they were?

Dead air. We called his name a few times and no response. When I looked up the other three individuals (including Dorothy, the race car driving mom) had their eyes set on me in dismay. Oh, so it's okay for you to rant on for five minutes about your day at Speedworld, but it's a crime if I picture myself in a jacuzzi with the Academy Award winner of 'My Cousin Vinny'?

This is an integral part of staying employed, saving yourself from termination. We go to work every day and eventually we're going to make a catastrophic mistake that could potentially be hazardous to our employment. The key is creating a solution. In this case, I simply went back to my desk, phoned Mike in our corporate office, and explained exactly what happened.

Me: Sorry about before Mike, but I had heard Dorothy's weekend story a few too many times and was looking over the paperwork for the actual meeting. I guess I was too invested into the proposals and missed the beginning of our discussion. I can assure you it won't happen again.

Rule 1 to getting out of trouble: blaming someone else. Make sure you are putting the blame fully on yourself at first, but mention someone else during your explanation in a way that makes them seem incompetent. It will make you seem that you are capable of taking blame, but that maybe it wasn't your fault after all.

It ended up working out in the end. Mike understood, and we finished the conference call with just the two of us. Come to think of it, I'm not even sure why Dorothy was there in the first place, she had nothing to contribute. But Marisa Tomei on the other hand...she had something to contribute.