MAILBAG!!!

We have a new president, the stock market is in severe crisis mode, and I had a birthday. These three news items make this the most important week in the history of the United States. But you already knew that...

Peddler,

Happy birthday! How old are you now?

Kelli, TX

Kelli,

I won't reveal my age, but I'll tell you it's somewhere between 27 and 39, but I'm not in my 30's and I'm not 29. That might narrow it down. If you want a way to really irk a woman in your office whom you don't like, ask her about her age when other people are around. I've never understood why people get so worked up about letting others know how old they are. Shouldn't you be proud that you've lived that long? I'm more willing to announce that I'm 28, than telling people in my early 20's. At least I'll be taken somewhat serious now.

Every year I make a huge deal about my birthday, but I try and keep that hype away from my office. I'll let it leak early in the morning that my big day is here, and hope that the word of mouth carries enough so I get a pat on the back from everyone. But I refuse to have a cake party or a happy hour with the work folk. First of all, on my birthday, I'm pretty sure I have other plans from 5-7pm. The fact that some work people don't makes me feel a bit sad. Secondly, I freaking hate cake.

Peddler,

I saw your post about quitting your job and I have to advise against it. I quit my job in February and still haven't found a new one. Don't do it.

Rick, VA

Thanks Rick,

I've heard this from a few people now, but my mind has been made up. I'd rather be broke, living on the streets, and eating out of a dumpster in six months than continuing to work with this company. It's over. If they offered me a 500% raise tomorrow, I'd still quit. I think that's the sign when you know your employment has run its course, and it's time to scram. If you're unhappy at your job, don't do it anymore. Despite what you hear there will always be other jobs out there, and one of them may be more suited to you than your current employer.

What I'm surprised about at this point is that I haven't been fired yet. Normally I do the smallest amount of work required to keep my employment intact, it's sort of my Credo. But lately I've dropped that from smallest amount of work to negative amount of work. I'm doing so little that other people are having to work harder to cover my tracks, which in turn decreases the productivity of our entire company. Do I feel bad about this? Not really. Sure I'm probably part of the problem when it comes to America and our workforce, but if you had to work for this organization you'd feel the same way. I think they might be communists.

I'm quitting, and it's settled. Although it might be hard to keep this site going when Comcast cancels my internet service due to lack of payment, and the REPO guys take away my laptop because I haven't been paying child support. I'm joking, I don't have a kid. That I know of.

Peddler,

It's 74 degrees in D.C. today and I have to get out of work early to get on my boat and cruise the Potomac. The problem is I've taken so many vacations recently. Any suggestions?

Jeffery, VA

Jeff,

It's quite easy to get out of work early. My two favorite ways are the fake sick and the house emergency.

Fake Sick -- We've all done this, and I've even discussed it on this site, but it's just too easy not to mention again. All you have to do is channel your inner Paul Newman and act your ass off. Fake sneezing, fake coughing, and a whole lot of sniffling. Also, when you know your going to stop by your bosses office, make a stop in the bathroom first. Douse a towel with water and apply a substantial amount to your forehead, neck, and hair. When you approach your boss you will have the appearance of sweat and nausea. If he asks you how you feel, be reasonable...

Boss: Hey Jeff, you feeling okay?
Jeff: Yea boss, just a bit off. I'll be fine, just got to get through the day.
Boss: Well let me know if you need anything.
Jeff: Cough, cough, sneeze, cough, sniffle 12X's
Boss: Seriously Jeff, if you need to go home I'd rather you sleep it off and come back strong Monday.
Jeff: I have too much work boss, gotta get back to my desk now.

Then, two hours later fake pass out on the floor of your office and make sure someone sees you do it. You'll be sent home without a doubt, but somehow have to convince your company that you're okay to drive home. That can be difficult, but I'm sure you'll think of something Jeff.

Home Emergency -- This one is my favorite. There are 200 things that can happen to your house which would require your immediate attention. I'm sure my boss is somehow confused as to how my house is still standing right now. In the past three years he assumes that my house has been flooded, was on fire, had a carbon monoxide leak, was attacked by killer rats, was turned into a brothel, flooded again, and then last week had a small plane land on it. The possibilities are endless and any excuse works. Just pick one and roll with it. As always, let George Costanza guide you with a quote. "As long as you believe it, then it's not a lie".

Good luck Jeff.