Please, Silence Your Phones...

I've come to one of two conclusions recently. Either a) some phones don't have a vibrate mode, or b) some people don't know that their phone has a vibrate mode. There can't be another explanation, there really can't. How do people not know that having their phone on any audible ringer is the most annoying sound next to single women bitching about how there are no single men out there. We're out there ladies, trust me.

Maybe people do know these damn ringer songs are annoying, but they just don't care about how much they disturb others. I can understand hearing a phone ringing in some public places such as a mall, the bank, or a Verizon store. But why in the world do you need to have your cellphone blasting "I'm Not a Player I Just Crush a Lot" at full blast while you're sitting at your desk in the office? There are people trying to look up soft-core porn in the cubicle next to you, have some respect. And who is calling your cellphone three hundred times during work hours anyway? These friends of yours don't have Gchat? Email? At least have them call your work phone so we can have a normal ring instead of hearing "It's Five O'clock Somewhere" every forty-five minutes.

The gentleman that sits in the cube next to me has this same issue I've been discussing. He purchased a ring tone of the Super Mario Brothers video game about nine months ago that I found amazingly hysterical back then. I would dance at my desk every time it came on while congratulating Eric on his phenomenal choice of an original, and joyous ring tone. Then a few weeks passed, and the song started to get on the annoying side. A few more weeks passed, and I threw away my old Nintendo games. A couple months went by, and I began hating Italian culture so much I stopped eating pasta. The main issue was that Eric's wife was seemingly unemployed and would spend much of the day calling him regarding the tedious errands she was running. I'm talking ten calls a day, minimum.

Finally I had to say something.

Me: Eric, we need to talk. I just can't deal with your ringer anymore. It's making my head spin, I just can't take it.
Eric: I thought you loved the Mario Brothers ringer?
Me: I did Eric. But that was back when I didn't think they were communist bastards sent here to infect my ears with their fascist ideals.
Eric: I guess I could just change it.
Me: I have an even better idea for you. Put the damn thing on VIBRATE!
Eric: But how would I hear it ring if I'm at Bob's cube down the hall?
Me: Here's the thing about cell phones that you might not understand Eric. Even if you don't hear it vibrate, when you return to the phone it will tell you there is a missed call from your wife. She might even leave a voicemail asking how many whip-its she should buy from Safeway. And by the way, when you're not here to answer your phone the song goes on for about 12 minutes straight. It's excruciating.
Eric: Well I'm just going to keep it how it is for now. Thanks though...

Eric has made a giant mistake. This aggression will not stand, and soon he will meet his demise. I'm currently in production of some sort of revenge plan, which I will relate to you after it has come to fruition. Maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow, but soon. I have a new enemy, and I suggest you do the same at your offices. This audible ring tone fad needs to end.