This past week I was on an extended vacation, and because I'm without a Blackberry, my cantbefired posting ability was less than satisfactory. That has all changed. I am officially a member of the Blackberry community as of today, and I'm happy to say my life has changed. Access to email wherever I am. Instant Messaging service with my other Blackberry brethren. Internet at the touch of a button. How did I live before this incomparable machine entered my existence? I have no idea.

Because I'm new to this bizarre cult, I'm still unsure of the exact protocol that goes along with owning the Super Phone. Previously, I was annoyed whenever I was with a friend who spent more time sifting through email than having discussions with me about which celebrity I would spend $20,000 to have sexual relations with (the answer was usually Matt Damon). Am I going to be one of those guys now? In the business world, an executive using a Blackberry during a meeting comes across as being important, rather than rude. In the social world, someone checking stock quotes comes across as not caring about talking to the opposite sex, and seems more attractive because of it. I must say, I'm excited for this new toy. Seriously, I can look up porn while standing in line at the bank. How did no one tell me this was possible?

Then there is the bathroom. I've always just assumed that most people take their Blackberry's into the toilet with them, which seemed pretty disgusting to me. But if I'm parked on the can and am able do the New York Times Crossword at the same time, is that so wrong? I'll go with no.

I can't wait to call it a Crackberry, I can't wait to upgrade to the new Storm, and I can't wait to email people while I'm driving. The fact that I've gone this long without one of these amazing tools is beyond me, and I just hope that the rest of the world can get on board as well. Not having a Blackberry these days is like being a ninja and not possessing throwing stars. It's like being a pirate without an eyepatch. It's like being a hooker that doesn't take cash upfront. Basically, you're missing a crucial element of your current demographic, which makes you seem less credible.

I'm sure there are individuals out there who look down on the Blackberry population, and I used to be one of them. Now I see that I was only enraged in jealousy for these folks, and I apologize to the entire community. Of course, many people will still be jealous despite my post today, and I expect that.

Sent from my Blackberry Mobile Device