The Fake Phone Call Conversation

It's 9am, Monday morning. This may be the worst hour of the entire week for so many reasons. You have the obvious ones: the weekend went by way too fast, there are five more days of this work thing until Saturday arrives, you're still hungover from two nights ago, and you are now recalling all the work you pushed back last week just so you could leave early on Friday. It ain't pretty, but what makes it even worse are the coworkers that are seemingly unaware that Monday is a bad thing, and like to throw this lack of knowledge into your face.

Ah, but there are ways to combat this. The trick I've been using a lot recently is actually something I do quite a bit, but more so on my cell phone away from the office. The move is titled the Fake Phone Call Conversation. If I'm in the mall and I see an attractive young vixen strolling up and down the non-fiction section of B. Dalton by her lonesome, I'll flip my phone open and start chatting away with no one. This makes me look somewhat reasonable to her as a) I can afford a phone and b) I have the ability to have a conversation and in turn have people that I can converse with. I'd like to point out that this has never worked once in picking up someone as it turns out they probably find it annoying and pretentious that I'm yelling on the phone while standing four feet away from them in an empty bookstore.

In the office, however, this trick can be a life saver. Whenever I hear or see someone coming down the hall in the direction of my desk I grab the phone, turn the volume all the way down, and start writing fake notes. When the coworker comes to your desk they'll see you on the phone and probably stand outside waiting for as long as their patience holds out. Usually I'll look up from my fake writing, and hold up one finger, the international "Just a minute" gesture, which will give most people a clue that you're kind of busy right now. Then I'll turn back around. The thing about this trick, is you have to nail the fake conversation, a much tougher task than you realize. The topics must be prudent, the delay for the other end of the line has to be substantial, and you have to put some emotion into it. Here's a good example...

Me: Hey Bill, hadn't heard from you in awhile, just wanted to make sure our conference call for Thursday is still on.
Other end: dead air........
Me: Yea I hear ya, it's so amazing you can't find a good apple pie in this city anymore. How was your weekend?
Other end: dead air........
Me: Man, she sounds like a tiger. Well I did a bit of yardwork and -
Other end: dead air........
Me: (fake laughter, work on this at home before you try, it's extremely difficult) It's a bit early to be busting my chops Bill, especially after you sullied this deal we had by bringing in that kid, whats-his-name...
Other end: dead air.......
Me: The new kid, the one drawing up the proposal.
Other end: dead air.......
Me: Mike or Mick or something, the portly fellow.
Other end: dead air.......
Me: Kind of looks like a heavy set Chris O'Donnell on speed.
Other end: dead air.......
Me: Yea, Jason, that's the one. Kid's an idiot.

If the coworker remains standing by your desk after 30 seconds and the "Just a minute" finger point, then cover the base of the phone with your hand, lean over and say "Hey, sorry, this could take awhile, I'll come by and see you when I'm through." They will say no problem and stroll back down to their desk, not realizing that you have no intentions of ever going to see them, making your Monday morning that much easier to get through.

**Charles Update** He's officially sitting at his desk getting acquainted with some of our policies, and will no longer be shadowing me, thank heavens. When I got in this morning he immediately came up to my desk and handed me a coffee, a gesture in thanks due to the time and effort I spent training him. I immediately dumped the entire coffee out when he walked away, since I'm pretty sure he poisoned it in retaliation of the hardships he went through on my behalf last week. He's smart, but I'm smarter...