Firing in the News

Ah, America. Full of promise, opportunity, legal rights. As I've stated time and time again, as long as you look like you're doing your job without breaking any laws, it's impossible to be fired in this country. Well apparently I was wrong. Four employees of a check cashing company in Denver were fired after their store was robbed at gunpoint, and they did nothing to thwart the assailants. It looks as though the four employees are filing a lawsuit because of their new found unemployment, and the company doesn't even seem to be concerned. I wouldn't be either, these bozo's couldn't man (or woman) up and hit a button, I'm sure they won't have the balls (or...actually nevermind) to go through with a simple legal recourse.

The company stated that it's their policy for employees in danger to trigger the alarm, no matter what situation presents itself. I don't know what kind of Navy Seal trained check cashers they thought they had hired, but these people were not them. Since the website gave the names of the four individuals I did some research using myspace, facebook, google, and my friend down at the DMV to see if they had the credentials to stop these thieves.

Felicia Dia
Age: 33
From: Gary, IN
Education: Two years of college, but had to drop out due to spraining her hip while trying to save a puppy from a burning house. The puppy was saved but she lost her dream of becoming a neurosurgeon that day.
Military Background: Once beat the crap out of a Marine who was hitting on her at a bar in Detroit.
Driving Record: Two parking tickets in '04, a DUI in '05, and she drives a '99 Ford Escort.

Desiree Lopez (surprising to me at least, Desiree is a man)
Age: 44
From: Unknown origin, but there are rumors he lived in Prague during his 20's and Topeka, KS sometime within the past 18 months.
Education: There is a record of him taking a public speaking class in the 80's, but had to drop out after he shanked the teacher for criticizing his lisp.
Military Background: Served in the National Guard for two years but was discharged after he left his platoon and decided to see if he could live in the forest with the wolves. He received the Blue Merit for cowardice and half of his calf was ripped open by a rabid grey wolf that he eventually killed, stuffed, and placed in the passenger seat of his car.
Driving Record: Has been pulled over 12 times for driving in the HOV-2 lane disguising the stuffed grey wolf in his passenger seat as a little old lady.

Ruth Parae
Age: 20
From: Denver, CO
Education: High School degree, and is currently at her 2nd year at University of Colorado Boulder, majoring in sociology.
Military Background: Zippy, but she did beat the hell out of one of her sorority sisters after that bitch had the nerve to make fun of her for shopping at Ann Taylor, her favorite store.
Driving Record: Gotten out of two DUI's by flashing the arresting officer her 'goods'.

Andre Robledo
Age: 28
From: Los Angeles, CA
Education: Bachelors degree from San Diego State, Masters in criminology at Cornell University, and a PhD from UCLA where his thesis was titled Combating Common Criminals by Pressing the Button that Alerts Police: A Descriptive Proof
Military Background: Spent three years in Iraq serving for the Army. He has four kills on his record and was drafted by the 21st regiment to be a sniper. He is famous for having one of the quickest draws in military history.
Driving Record: Freakin' flawless

I don't know about you, but I think they may have hired the wrong people for this job. Next time the company may want to call up the FBI and have a few field officers posted outside to protect the $40,000 they keep in a lockbox each day. So what lesson did we learn today? In order not to get fired you have to put your life in danger to save the owners of whatever company you work for from losing a few bucks. If you're an accountant and you think the upcoming IRS audit may cost your company, then strap all the files to your back while you descend the elevator shaft to hide the evidence. Apparently this economic crisis is making people crazy.