And the Search Begins...

As I announced yesterday, I'm begun my search to find a new employer. I've decided that the world is my oyster and I will stop at nothing to find a more interesting job than the one I've been plodding through the past few years. So far nothing on Craigslist or any of the scam job-search websites have produced anything with substance, thus I've decided to think way outside the box on this one. My goal is to work somewhere other than a cubicle, and something other than your typical 9-5 hours. Pay is no longer an issue, and neither is my desire for respect. I don't care how degrading the job is, as long as I enjoy myself. Here's what I've found so far.

Zookeeper - Pretty difficult to get the job it turns out. For some reason you have to obtain many different special degrees to even sell cotton candy at the D.C. Zoo. I thought I would walk in and they'd hand me the keys to the place, but it turns out that a) I don't know that much about animals, and b) I might not even like animals. It also turns out that winter is approaching and the place basically shuts down for a few months, which means their hiring process hibernates as well (sweet bear pun).

Ski Instructor - After realizing the errors of my way with the zoo, I figured I'd find a more suitable occupation for the cold weather, and ski instructor fit the bill. Their job is to teach idiots how to ski down a mountain for a few hours a day, and then go to a ski lodge and get hammered. Sounds incredible, huh? Well, it turns out there were a few moguls in my quest. First of all, there really isn't a ski slope within 100 miles of D.C., which means I'd have to move to Vermont, Colorado, or *gasp* southern Virginia. Secondly, I don't like the cold weather. I get frostbitten easily, plus it's really expensive to hit up the tanning booth twice a week. Lastly, and more importantly, I don't really know how to ski. Because I've never lived near the slopes and I hate the cold, I've never took the time out of my life to learn the sport, if one could call it that.

Guitar Teacher - It turns out that people pay good money to learn guitar, and they even come over to your house for the lessons. I could sit on my ass all day and teach idiots how to strum a few chords, and once they become better than me I move to a new town and start all over again. So I recalled my first guitar lessons as a youth, and decided I would emulate my old instructor. His name was Sheeva, he was 28, had dreadlocks, listened to Frank Zappa, drove a bike everywhere, spoke with a slight British accent even though he was from Baltimore, and pretty much sucked at guitar. He thought he was incredible just because he knew the opening lick to Jimi Hendrix's 'Crosstown Traffic', which he started every lesson with. I hated this man, and therefore refuse to follow in his dirty footsteps.

Priest - Ha, nevermind.

Obama Supporter - Apparently he's hiring help all over the place considering how many of them there are, and I might as well get on the bandwagon. I'm not sure if these individuals get paid anything, but even if it's ten bucks an hour I'll take the job. I love beating on peoples doors incessantly throughout the night and disrupting their dinner. Hey Obama, you have a nice lead in the polls, cool it with the annoyances. Anyway, I was going to do this but I'm not a 60-year old woman, so I didn't qualify.

Olympic Athlete - I figure that the next summer Olympics isn't for another four years, so I have a ridiculous amount of time to train for any event I want. If I practice every single day I'm sure I could be somewhat competitive in archery, or badminton, or skeet shooting. We suck at these events anyway, and since my only goal is to make the Olympics, I just have to beat out the other Americans. Then I win gold, get on Wheaties boxes, and have sex with random women in Las Vegas casino's all while pretending to be a class act American role model. Basically, I want to be Michael Phelps.

I give up. There's no other options for me other than to stay with my current employer, or find another IT related job. It's so difficult to start a new career in this country, which seems unfair. Basically, whatever major you pick in your freshman year of college is what you're going to do for the rest of your life. Like I knew what the hell I was thinking when I was 18? I was so stoned I could barely operate a motor vehicle, yet my choice to major in computers will stick with me until I'm old, gray, and despondent. It looks like I'll have to put up with my boss hating his life, and thus making mine suck by comparison. And now, I'm leaving for the rest of the day for a fake dentist appointment. If I'm gonna stay with this company, it'll be at my disposal.