A Trip to Conference...

Yesterday afternoon my company decided to send myself and a coworker to a large IT conference being held in the District. We would be in charge of setting up the podium so it looks all fancy, greeting people who walk by to tell them what it is we do, and making at least 100 contacts by pretending to be as big of a loser as the people we're meeting. This is not as hard as you'd think unfortunately.

Normally you'd say, 'Steve must love this type of stuff, it gets him out of the office and away from the boss.' Sadly, you'd be mistaken. You see I have to carry around 20 boxes of pamphlets up three flights of stairs and then down what seems to be a 2,000 yard hallway. Unfortunately, we only hand out the contents of one or two boxes leaving me to carry the rest of the boxes back to the car when it's over. I normally don't need to workout for six months after a convention. This wouldn't be so bad if I had some help, but the other employee they usually send is a 55 year old woman with arthritis and sense of authority she only gets when at conference. In the office she weirdly flirts with me by commenting on how great my tie looks even when it blatantly doesn't match my shirt, but at conference she turns into a lesbian dungeon master whose only source of nutrients is gathered from my last remaining sense of dignity.

You're probably saying (you sure are talking to yourself a lot today), 'But Steve, you seem kinda crafty at work, why don't you just get out of going to the conferences, and have them send someone else.' Ah, great question invisible friend. There is only one reason I go to conferences....The women. You see in typical society it is the males duty to talk to women, which can be intimidating and damaging to ones ego if done poorly. For some reason, the only place I can ever talk to a girl is a bar, and there is no way I'm going to date a girl I meet in a bar, so I just end up getting her number and never calling. In any other location (grocery store, gym, TCBY, Crate and Barrel) I feel as though women want nothing to do with men and thus I shouldn't even look them in the eye. Ah, but conference, there I can shine.

You see, at conference I have a reason to talk to women, in fact it's actually my job to do so. I can be professional but at the same time flirting my pants off. The first thing I do is have special business cards made for the event, which means getting in good with the office manager who will place the order. My latest job title has been Regional Director of IT Special Forces. This makes the ladies go ga-ga...

Lady: Wow, what's your job title mean? I've never heard anything like that.
Me: Ha. Honey, wish I could tell ya.
Lady: Excuse me.
Me: Look sweetie, don't tell that crabby old lady from my company standing next to me that I told you this, but I work a covert sting operation for the KGB. It's all very technical and I don't want to bore you, but please take a box of pamphlets.
Lady: This pamphlet says you do IT configurations for small businesses. Plus, your ID badge that the conference people gave you says you are a lower level IT technician.
Me: All a front toots. But seriously, I can tell you all about it outside of here. Perhaps at dinner. What are your plans two Thursdays from now?
Lady: Probably having dinner with my husband.
Me: Sweet, I'll pick you up at eight. Don't tell anyone we've met.

Granted, I've never actually picked a girl up at one of these conferences, but I've had enough conversations to help me understand the psyche of the female better than I ever could have at a Whole Foods. Man I hate Whole Foods. Normally I like to buy things there not because I would ever eat/drink them, but because it might make me look more attractive to the hottie behind me in line at the register. I have 25 mango's sitting on my kitchen counter right now because a blonde was picking one out at the store last week and I thought I'd impress her with my love and knowledge of the sensuous fruit. So I'm taking them back to Whole Foods this weekend and saying they were rotten when I bought them, which will surely get me banned from the store. I'm probably already banned anyway, since I slipped one of my Special Forces business cards into that blonde's shopping cart.

Sorry, I'm off topic. Anyway, next time your company wants to send you to a conference of any type just remember what I said. It's an excuse to talk to the opposite sex without the fear of you looking like a pervert. And always make sure to check for the ring, because as my dad always told me...If she's taken, she ain't worth your bacon. Still not sure what that means actually...