Pursuing New Options

In our society it is nearly impossible to be fully satisfied with anything. People are always looking to improve their lives in any way by ditching what they already have in pursuit of what is, in their opinion, a better option. Men and women are constantly leaving their spouses a for new, younger, wealthier, more attractive partner while what they had originally may have been a better fit all along. The same can't be said for jobs, however. It's pretty evident that one job can be better than another, simply from a salary, benefit, and commute perspective. That's why each and every day I am at work, no matter how amazing that job is, I'm looking for new employment that will ultimately make me happier.

From the first week I start a job, my resume is already posted all over the internet. Half the sick days I take off are spent interviewing for new positions with other companies, and not because I got food poisoning from eating week old sushi wrapped in uncooked chicken meat topped with rubbing alcohol, like my boss has been told by Dr. Frank DeBuddo. Dr. Frank is my personal doctor that will call in to work for me when I cannot gain the strength to do so on my own. In reality, Dr. Frank is my friend Peter who has a knack for doing an impression of a 60 year old French/American doctor. If I were you, I'd create your own Dr. Frank, as they have a gift of helping out when a day off is needed.

Obviously, looking for a job while already having one is a tricky situation, and one that has the opportunity to get you fired if discovered. This is why, like everything else, you have to be sneaky, and these tips may lend you a hand...

-Try to do most of your job searching at home rather than at work. This is nearly impossible since most of us have lives outside of the office, and don't want to be sitting in front of a laptop all night while watching The Closer on TNT.
-When at work and job searching, keep a strong lookout at all times and never leave a job search site open on your monitor. This one should be kind of obvious.
-Don't tell ANYONE, even your closest ally that you're job searching as people like to gossip and you'll eventually be busted.
-If you do tell someone and that someone rats you out, tape a fillet of uncooked salmon covered in curry powder on the underside of his/her desk. After a few days the smell might force that prick to quit his/her job, or at least get him/her fired for contaminating the office with their foul scent.
-Side note: Did you know that Dippin' Dots has dropped its slogan as The Ice Cream of the Future. This means one of two things. A) It is officially the future, which is a scary and crappy thought all at the same time, as there are no flying cars, or B) Dippin' Dots has failed in their endeavors and are headed down a path to bankruptcy along with the rest of this godforsaken country. I'm gonna go with A.
-Make sure when you apply to new jobs that you tell them NOT to contact your present employer. I've made this slip up with a previous job, and before I knew it, HR was wondering why they were giving me reference checks twice a week to direct competitors. That's not a meeting you want to be in.
-If you get accepted with a new job don't tell your current employer exactly what it is you're doing. Make up some crazy, badass story that will make everyone in the office jealous after you're gone and they're still sitting at their desks hating their lives. For instance, you're moving to a beach in Morocco for a year to work for a company that test if sand getting inside a woman's bikini top is bad for the ozone layer. It doesn't have to make sense; it just has to involve you doing something cooler than they will be doing.

So get that resume back up, and start looking for the next opportunity that will keep you busy for another 8-10 months until you get bored and start the process all over again. Like Dr. Frank always tells me, "Don't get back into the pool until at least 30 minutes after a shot of absinthe". Sound advice doctor.